A little boy runs across this farmer who has a truckload of cow
manure. The boy asks him what he is going to do with all that cow
poop. The farmer tells the little boy, ''I'm taking it home to put
on my strawberries.''
The little boy looks up at the farmer and says, ''I don't know
where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar
on our strawberries.'''
***
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the
jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut,
awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad
news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you,
and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you
get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some
poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it
down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him
a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and
blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he
shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and
starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the
chest, everywhere.
There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is
appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your
canoe, arsshole!"
***
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of
her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal
told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to
answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and
behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and
he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can
go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry:
"Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he
could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions
wrong!"
