The Cat's New Year Resolutions
1.
2. My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at
peace with that.
3. I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason
after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
4. I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the
aquarium.
5. I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not
proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
6. I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home
and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of
roughage.
7. I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and
then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took
FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur)
8. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall,
and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The
X-Files.
9. I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night
snacks.
10. I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night
and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
11. We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding
Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while
they're trying to sleep.
12. Screaming at the can of food will not make it open
itself.
13. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If
I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the
couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing
again.
14. I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to
chase leaves
15. I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and
singe my bottom.
16. I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is
something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human
has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
17. If I bite the cactus, I know it will bite back.
18. When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It
is not necessary to check every door.
19. Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it
down and try to open it up to get the birds out.
20. The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and
will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into
floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal
insult when my humans sit there and laugh.
21. I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are
trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days,
it will really come true.
22. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and
attempt to catch them.
23. I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the
family room floor trying to do sit ups.
24. When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not*
a hammock.
25. Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely
tail.
26. I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help
installing a new board in her computer.