Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you"d better be delivering a
package, because you"re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,
so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you
cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter"s body, I will
remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don"t take this as an insult, but you and
all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair
and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You
may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten
sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure
that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you
date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten
your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I"m sure you"ve been told that in today"s world, sex without
utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill
you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of
the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from
you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely
back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject
is: "early"
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities
to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay
with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little
girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is
finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If
you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My
daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer
than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing
there, why don"tyou do something useful, like changing the oil in
my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer
than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where
there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the
ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear
shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her
throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be
avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games
are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my
daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If
I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to
tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I
have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake
the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over
a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the
voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait
for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the
driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight.
Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you
have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your
car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face
at the window is mine.
