Things I Learned From Movies
1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to
armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying
beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba
diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding
place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you
can travel to any other part of the building without
difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it
will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will
do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in
Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take
out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will
always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow
by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family
every morning, even though the husband and children never have time
to eat them.
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into
flames.
13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size
of a football stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a cat.
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and
pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them
all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely
investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially
if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating
accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack
you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you
have knocked out their predecessor.
21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the
person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them
and talk to their back.
22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your
room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at
them.
24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
each other.
25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley
systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow
their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their
son's eighth birthday.
27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and
accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large
red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go
off.
29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you
are visiting.
30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
from duty.
31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump
into will know all the steps.
