USB missile launches detected on multiple
fronts 
By Reg Hardware
7th July 2006 13:41 GMT
Updated What have we done? Today, we began receiving sporadic
reports of the outbreak of hostilities between rival factions
within the nation's offices and workplaces, all following our
coverage of the USB missile launcher gizmo yesterday.
Reg Hardware, is seems, may have contributed to a major dip in the
country's productivity as workers down tools and start firing
small, foam rockets at each other. Entire departments are believed
to have become mired in conflict.
Update
And we're now getting word of a dramatic escalation in the USB
missile launcher arms race. Many Bothans died getting us these
images of a USB webcam-augmented USB missile launcher.
Meanwhile, a rogue faction of Linux programmers led by one Scott
Weston have hijacked a number of missile deployment units. Alas,
they made a classic blunder, communicating the details of their
plot and methodology in webpage form.
Thanks to the international man of mystery known only as 'Geoff'
for this item.
Update ends
We received this bulletin from the front line this morning.
It is typical of the many reports we are currently
receiving:
Due to rapid growth, our company offices are split down the middle
by a public corridor; this has resulted in a 'west wing' and and
'east wing'. There have been concerns of a 'them and us' culture
developing, but recent events have accelerated this beyond
measure....
Comments from the West Wing are denoted with W and East with an
E.
W
At last WMD in an achievable price range!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
E
It makes no mention of range. Is it a short-range or long-range
intra-office balistic missile system?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
W
Good point. I'm assuming that it will go further than North Korea's
little effort although I don't know if it has cross-corridor
capabilities
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
E
Does this mean the start of an inter-corridor arms race? We need to
start preparing our defences (elastic band launchers and kamikaze
stuffed penguins)...
Now where is my tin hat?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
W
I think this talk of 'arms races' and 'band launchers' is counter
productive to the fragile peace that exists across our borders.
This sabre-rattling about penguins only seeks to undermine the
Pub-Lunch Initiatives and the Waterfront Pizza Non-Proliferation
Treaty.
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E
I went to the pub for lunch, yet no member of the West wing was
there. This snub sees my preparing for full scale conflict.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A spate of comunications were intercepted during Thursday 6th July
discussing armament and inter-office conflict. These communications
initiated within the West Wing, and are viewed by the East Wing
Government as a clear indication of West Wing aggression.
The East Wing believes this aggression to be a direct threat to our
peaceful way of life, and a clear evidence of the Evil that resides
within the West Wing. In the interests of preserving democracy for
the free peoples of the office, the East Wing has sought access to
West Wing installations for our approved weapons inspectors. This
access has not been granted, and it is now clear that the West Wing
is hiding an advanced and deadly inter-office weapons
programme.
Subsequently, the East Wing Government feels that we are left with
no choice but to launch a pre-emptive strike in defence of all that
is good.
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W
The contents of our cupboards is our own business, but we would
willingly grant access to these facilities in return for similar
access to the cupboards of the East.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
E
We are not fooled by your request. Clearly you wish to acquire our
peace-keeping technology to use it for your own non-peaceful,
aggressive and evil means.
I think that the security of our wind [sic] would be compromised
both by allowing access to our cupboards and by the West Wing's
refusal to grant us allocated, UN-authorised, inspector access to
the stationary cupboard. We can only take this time wasting move by
the West Wing as a further sign of proposed action against our
Wing.
I believe this was not an act of desperation, but an act of
asymmetrical warfare waged against us.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
W
And the coffee machine and the fridge with ice cream, and the
fruit!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
E
Ladies and Gentlemen. Citizens. We regret to inform you that, as of
15:18 this afternoon we were forced to launch an all out strike on
Corporal Dave of the West Wing in reaction for his provocative
firing of a weapon into an empty space of land in East Wing
territory.
All Citizens of the East Wing are hereby ordered into high alert,
and lightsabers must be kept with you at all times.
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W
Following the attack of one of our own citizens in neutral
territory, the West have been forced to take hostages to ensure the
saftey of our citizens in the UN sanctioned Corridor of
Neutrality.
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E
What you've missed is the explosive suicide headband that one of
the penguins is wearing.
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W Fool! That is not a head-band, it is his blind-fold; he will be
the first to be executed following the next transgression against
one of our citizens.
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E
Corporal Dave is not a citizen but a soldier, therefore under the
rules of war, we can shoot the crap out of him...
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E
Some of us are thirsty, can you guarantee safe passage to the
kitchen as well as an escort?
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W
We shall treat your citizens in our territory the same way you
would treat one of ours on your turf. Given your human rights
record to date, this may not be a favourable situation for them to
be in.
Anyway, our records show that you have your own stocks of water and
indeed a water cooler; it is not the view of the West that
humanitarian aid is needed at this juncture.
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