Many people don't really want great sex. Good
sexual experiences can be emotionally overpoweringmind-blowing,
rather than warm and comforting. Lusty sex requires you to confront
all kinds of worriesgetting so close to your partner that he or
she overwhelms you, or being rejected at an intensely vulnerable
moment. It may even put you in touch with your own mortality,
reminding you that your partner won't always be around. Great sex
requires inner reserves to tolerate the angst.
It gets better with age. Even though young people
get aroused more quickly, amazing sex is a specialty of people in
their 40s and 60s, contends Schnarch. In youth, women struggle to
be sexual but not "cheap"; men are easily threatened. Midway
through life, you have a stronger sense of self and are less
self-conscious and insecure.
Compromise may not work. Trade-offs (I'll do this
if you'll do that) may seem egalitarian, but in practice, each
partner rules out anything that makes him or her uptight. The
couple is left with a limited repertoire that guarantees boredom,
not to mention scorekeeping and resentment when one partner is less
enthusiastic than the other. Better to take the initiative and
challenge yourself to try something new.
Women like hot sex. Women are often much more
interested than men in talking about "fucking"horny, lusty,
intense sexSchnarch reports. But in bed, they often hold back out
of shame or fear of making their partner feel inadequate. A lot of
couples think that married sex is supposed to be gentle,
affectionate "making love"and feel guilty if they want to get
nasty.
Sex isn't a skill. The hoopla about techniques is
a red herring. If you think of sex as a set of talents, you're
going to wind up focused on doing it right, rather than on who
you're doing it with. Likewise, giving your partner a technical
playbook (there but not here, this way and not that way) leads to
mechanically proficient, predictable and emotionally dead sex. You
may also not know exactly what you wantit changes! Pushing your
own limits by organically exploring new sexual styles fosters more
sizzle.
Cancel the orgasm derby. More orgasms don't equal
better sex. Lots of people can perform in bedall the parts work
just finebut are never really satisfied, because they're too
emotionally disconnected. That's usually said about men rather than
women, but both sexes are capable of being physically aroused
without getting any erotic charge, and both can have orgasms
without really enjoying the sex. Instead of focusing on orgasms,
pay more attention to the emotional and physical connection: Can
you become intensely aware of your partner during sex? Can you make
contact?
Tune indon't space out. Shutting down your brain,
focusing on your sensations and going into a trance state, or
fantasizing about others, all of which sex therapists often
recommend, may help you have decent sex, since it can jump-start
your engine. But by zeroing in on your body or your thoughts alone,
you've tuned out your partner. You're also vulnerable to
distractions: The mood can easily be shattered by a car alarm.
Shifting your focus to include your partner can make the experience
much more intense.
Source: HERE