1. You will have more friends
Peter Parker was a social outcast. Norman Osborne was the popular
kid. Reed Richards was a dorky scientist. Victor Von doom was a
rich socialite. Anyone else sensing a pattern here? Everyone wants
to get a little piece of the evil. It is like Starburst.
2. You get to laugh maniacally
Good guys dont get to do this. No one has ever heard Superman or
Batman laughing like a maniac and no one ever will. Trust me, this
is something everyone wants to do. It is strangely liberating.
While you may pass chances to do this every once in a while during
your civilian life, you will never get the quantity of
opportunities that come with a career in villainy.
3. All of a sudden, you will have the budget for all kinds
of toys
Super bad guys are never broke. Not only are they never broke but
they always have more resources than the hero could ever hope for.
Apparently the villain racket pays very well. It also seems to be
recession-proof. I hear the tax breaks are good too.
4. Hot chicks dig evil guys
You never see an evil villain with a busted ass woman. Sure, they
may be dirty, rotten, and out to steal your empire, but you can
always kill them if they get out of hand. Studies show that breasts
of women who hang out with evil guys are an average of two cups
bigger than the nice dudes chicks. Studies dont ever lie.
5. You will be safe from everyday accidents
Evil villains are never killed in car accidents. It just doesnt
happen. You wont slip in the shower, get smashed by a falling
piano, or die of food poisoning. The only way you can be killed is
in an explosion created by the hero by exposing the one flaw in
your plan that no one could ever possibly foresee. Even then
6. You dont have to worry about anyone killing
you
Evil Villains simply can not be killed. People may think you are
dead but you will secretly be lounging in an easy chair on your
secret desert island hideout planning your next caper. The only way
you can be taken out is by another villain eviler than yourself who
will subsequently take over your identity and continue upon your
path of world domination.
7. You can kill anyone you want
You wont go to jail. For some strange reason, cops never come to
bust Evil villains at their homes even when the evidence is
overwhelming. You could kill Superman on a live video feed in front
of the entire planet and not one cop would try to arrest you. They
cant even arrest you for the stash of plutonium you have in your
shed. It is in the charter when you join the union.
8. You get to dress how you want
You never have to wear a suit and tie again. You can even dress in
the most outrageous outfits while demanding the world bow to your
demands and no one will even make the slightest of snide comment.
This could have something to do with the fact that you can kill
anyone you want and cant be killed back. Remember, no one ever
made fun of Magnetos helmet
9. No matter how weak you are, you will be more than a
match for any hero facing you
But zero, Batman would kick my ass in two shakes of a strippers
ass
None of that matters. The sheer newness of your evil plot
will confuse the hell out of any good guy. As long as you arent
doing something that has been done to death (ie goblin themed
villains) you should have no problem getting your plans off the
ground.
