This post should be in my forum. Tomorrow a nice lady will help
you move this post.
Dear BillaMax,
I'm Chin Seng from Homework Forum. 
Great to see you here. Tell you something
interesting, exactly one year ago, I marked an essay with the exact
topic.
Storyline is good. Slightly deviated from the topic "Hero".
I can see that you used some vocab in your essay. Grammar
is not a huge issue, but still have room for improvement.
Sentence structure is good, you can further improve this by
reading newspaper. Note that some times it is very easy for use to
write down what we want to say (spoken language), and you must
remember that there is a difference between spoken and written
language.
I can see one or two complex sentences. A good effort to add in
variation. 
Kinda didn't see any spelling mistake. Look
like Word97 correcting system.
If this is O level question.... then this essay is too long.
Remark: The fighting part was well written because I see the
effort in making the story come alife. However, when I come to the
Police station and the ending part, the story seems to be a little
hurried.
Keep each paragraph short and sweet. Remember the rule,
"starting of the paragraph (first sentence) is a short insight
of the remaining paragraph".
23~26/ 30
use some words to impress the examiners. Example I learn a new
word yesterday " force majeure". I googled it and understood the
meaning, now I'm selling this word. 
I notice that you didn't use " ; ". This is another punctuation
that will show the examiner that you're good with your
punctuation.
Best Regards,
Chin Seng
Homework Forum Moderator
Hi! Thanks! Yup there is much to improve on for my English. My
English is quite terrible at a C grade.
I googled for the meaning of force majeure, it is very
interesting.
Re-read the essay and corrected some phrasing and grammatical
errors. The corrected version of this essay is below:
Could you believe it? I used to be a
gangster. Gangster of Singapore’s most infamous mob. To aggravate
it, at 16 I was the youngest of the bunch of hooligans. Back before
I joined the bunch, I was very much inclined academically. My
grades would had easily ignited jealousy among anyone. However,
that was not long lasting. Someone close to me departed, that
gravely stricken and devastated me. It was during this hard time
when I was introduced to the apparent endearing appeal of the Laos’
gang. Eventually, I returned to my rightful path but at the price
of my brothers’ lives.
After my loved ones passed on, my
brothers were the only group whom I can confine my problems with.
Then, I enjoyed my company with them. We did lots of unlawful
activities, notably fighting. We did not need to have any good
reasons to start a fight, Laos frequently engage in it, mostly just
for the thrills. The gang was such professional that we always
maintain a reserve of deadly destructive weapons. Baseball bats,
Parang knifes of different lengths just to name a few. For most of
the fight we had, Laos always emerged victory. That was probably
the reason how the Laos’ gang had made such a reputation in the
city state. However, there was a time where the Laos lost. The
violent between the Laos and second to Laos’ gang, the
Lims.
I am not sure what caused the violent
but if I not mistaken, it was because my chief unintentionally
entered the Lims’ territory without any permission. Lims believing
the Laos did not have any respect for them initiated the violent
brawl.
That night was particularly eerie and
quiet. I could perhaps hear a pin drop. Ominous moonlight shores
the streets we were in. I had a very
bad feeling about the fight – something bad was going to happen,
something really awful. The streets were clear and we were the only
group present. 89 of us, each possessing at least one possibly
lethal weapon. At a hour past midnight, the Lims could be heard
marching towards the streets we are in. In front of us, there were
at least two hundreds of them viciously and confident looking men.
We were ambushed. We had agreed on maximum of 90 members in this
battle, we were tricked!
“Tonight is going to be tragic!”, I
mumbled.
For that five terrifying minutes when
the Lims marched towards us, I was shaken with fear and had a lot
of uncertainty if we would even be able to walk out of this street
alive. I gradually took a few steps back and hid in a small corner
where I watched.
The inevitably started, I had a first
taste of what being a gangster really had to offer. Parangs can be
seen flying in the air, ever ready to inflict agonizing pain into
its targets. Screams were reverberating along the two narrow long
stretch of Lorong 98, 99 Geylang. That violent brawl allowed me to
truly witness the brutality of the Lims. With a slash of the sharp
Parang, the skull splits, fragments of it could be seen on the
ground; bright pink brain matter was clearly visible. The Lims even
had firepower. Where they squeezed and held down the trigger
sprayed a horde of bullets all over the place killing my brothers.
The few seconds of fire felt like an eternity as I watched
painfully my brothers flinch, toss and turn and their bodies torn
to pieces. All casualties had blood oozing out, most lying
motionlessly on the cold hard concrete.
I could feel my heartbeat in my temple
and a cold sweat broke out on the surface of my brow. I knew,
chances were, the Lims would examine every corner of all streets
and when I am found, I would be sentenced to death. I was
terrified. The Lims played dirty. There was no way the Laos could
successful win this battle as we were outnumbered. They
successfully inflicted huge damages to my brothers.
Unexpectedly two of my brothers found me
in the corner. They were badly injured. Alvin barfed blood whereas
Ken was catching his breath. They seemed surprised to see me alive.
Noting that it was only seconds before the Lims’ gang would find
us, Ken said breathlessly, “Max! Out of all the gang members, you
are the highest educated, you have the brightest future among all
of us. We will distract the Lims while you run for the exit and
seek help. Do not join the gang again!” Alvin too weak to say
anything nodded his head silently agreed.
Before I could speak, Ken screamed, “Run
now!”
I did not have the luxury of time to
think, I escaped the spot and ran for the main road as I told. At
the corner of Lorong 98, I turned back and saw Alvin being ripped
into halve with a Parang, Ken tried to stop but was punched hard
and kneeled for mercy. Blood was seen pooling on the concrete he
was kneeling. His eyes, nose was swelling.
I could not tolerate the scene I was
witnessing. With teary eyes, I dashed to the nearest police post,
imagining what will happen to Ken. Would the punch collapse his
trachea and he suffocates to death, or, would he be crashed in his
windpipe and his spine separated from the brain stem? I thought of
how the Lims would clear the traces of evidence. Would they
pulverize all their teeth, burn off fingerprints, and disfigure
their faces, forcing a DNA test to establish their identity
impossible? The thoughts were too scary.
To lighten my guilt, I kept saying to
myself that I had to leave my brothers, I had to be selfish and it
had to be done in order to save at least a life.
When I knew I was at a safe distance, I
slowed and walked heavily hearted to the police post.
I swung open the glass door and briefly
described to the officers the trauma I had just experienced. They
brought me to their cafeteria for a coffee in an effort to calm me
down. There, I cried for a good fifteen minutes.
I ended my
presence in the police post with the police taking my statement
after which they sent me home.
Back home I reminded myself of what
Ken’s last words “Max! Out of all the gang members, you are the
highest educated, you have the brightest future among all of us. We
will distract the Lims while you run for the exit and seek help. Do
not join the gang again!”. His last sentence kept echoing in my
head.
That night, I reflected the spiteful
actions I did in the past and despite being devastated, I did a
serious concrete planning of my future. I vowed to never to join
any gang again.
It was only after Ken and Alvin
sacrificed for me that I reflected upon myself. If I had continued
to be part of the gang, I would only be a pest in this society,
creating trouble for the country. Their death made me discovered my
rightful path in my life.
Because of their heroines act, I became a part
time volunteer to impart wisdom at a prison school where most
inmates was sent there for committing gangster related activity
involvement. While I did fulfill Ken’s and Alvin’s last wish, the
guilt was never taken from me for my selfishness to live ended
their lives. It is something I have to deal with every
day.
These are only slight changes to the essay, hence the effect may
not be significant.
Thanks for your kind advice. :D
