Spice Up Your Life With Smiling Face

last SG · 2001-09-23T19:13:00+00:00

As the saying does, "Laughter, a good medicine". Im going to place some jokes here to cheer you up! [ Wish ] There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, a...

^__* SG

Two monkeys walk into a bar and order a couple of beers. The barman had never served monkeys before so he was a little taken aback. He decides to consult with his manager, so runs up to the upper office to speak with Ian. "Ian! There are two monkeys downstairs ordering beers! What do I do?". Ian: "Serve them you idiot. Oh, but wait: monkeys are stupid, so charge them twice the price. They won't know the difference." The barman goes back down to the bar, serves up the beer, and charges the monkeys double. Later in the evening, the monkeys are still nursing the
same beers while the barman's tidying up. Curious about these furry visitors, the barman comments: "Say, we don't get a lot of monkeys around here...". The monkeys look at each other and then back at the barman. Monkeys: "Well, with prices like these, no wonder!"

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[relationship]
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!

^__* SG

As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her. "Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich." Poof: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.

"And, I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess." Poof: The Fairy Godmother tuned the old woman into exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.

"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse woof.

"Could you possibly turn my wonderful faithful dog into a handsome prince?" Poof: There, in front of the old woman, who has now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. Morehandsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.

As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing her cheek with his as he whispered into her ear, "I'll bet you're sorry now that you took me to the vet when I was younger!"

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Doctor :
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Politician :
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Boss :
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Criminal :
A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Father :
A banker provided by nature.

Opportunist :
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Philosopher :
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Atom Bomb :
An invention to end all inventions.

Experience :
The name men give to their mistakes

A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Yawn :
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Office :
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Classic :
A book which people praise, but do not read.

^__* SG

The Perfect Gift

On the last day of kindergarten, the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son gave her a box. She shook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it flowers?"

"That s right!" said the boy.

Then the candy store owner's son gave her his package. She shook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it a box of candy?"

"That's right!" said the boy.

Next the liquor store owner's son handed her his box.

She shook it, held it up, and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "I bet I know what it is. Is it wine?"

"No," said the boy.

She touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it Champagne?"

"No," said the boy.

"I give up. What is it?"

The boy grinned. "A puppy!"

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Answering Machine Message

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

^__* SG

TODAY'S RIDDLE
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Two men were playing tennis. They played five sets and each man won three sets. How did they do this??

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Scroll down for the answer
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Here it comes
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ANSWER

The two men were partners playing doubles.

^__* SG

[1]
Little Johnny stared at his test paper. The big read "F" stared back at him.

John looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"

"Because of an absence," Johnny answered.

"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" he questioned.

Little Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."

[2]
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" "Uhh! your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair.

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