Manchester United's manager Sir Alex Ferguson during
his side's FA Cup match against Leeds United at Old Trafford.
Photograph: Darren Staples/Reuters
There are many issues that come to mind as worth discussing this
week, but interestingly almost all of them cause me some pain. The
non-event that was the transfer window, for example. I'm still
patiently waiting for the announcement of David Villa's signing
which I'm sure is progressing in top secret at the moment. Sadly,
even typing that places this article on a load of websites that
will now claim that David Villa "has been linked with …" which will
only serve to scare him away.
Another painful topic is Sky's announcement that it will be
showing tomorrow's match in a number of pubs in 3D. This is part of
the general roll-out of the world's most gimmicky video format in
the accelerating effort to sell us something we already had, yet
again. HD, for example, whose incredible clarity you stop noticing
after a minute because you start watching the game instead. All HD
tellies should come with a button that switches back to normal
pictures once every five minutes just so you can go "Ah, wow, that
is good!" all over again.
The 3D thing particularly pains me because I should have a
really good 3D view of Sunday's game, from a seat in the stadium,
which I've had to sacrifice because I'm on tour in Dublin. I'll be
in a pub instead, and not just in 2D, but in a city that adores Man
United. It will be impossible to find bar plus screen and there not
be a load of United fans around it.
Which brings us to the No1 question causing me greater pain than
all the others. Simply, how, please, somebody tell me, are United
still in the hunt for trophies? Is it just me, or are they actually
not that good?
Didn't they sell their best player (and one of the next best
players too)? Isn't their midfield either too old, too young or too
defensive? Aren't they supposed to be mired in debt, plagued by
injuries and descending into madness?
Their manager has turned into a petulant curmudgeon, railing
against the media, outlet by outlet, where even Sky Sports News can
wear a shocked innocent look and cry: "Don't shoot the messenger."
The way things are going with Fergie we're going to find him
banning MUTV from the ground, just for showing the opposing teams
in their match coverage. This is when he's not either complaining
about not getting enough time or berating the fourth official for
giving too much. An insult to the sport apparently.
And Darren Fletcher! Jesus, Darren Fletcher. Running around
kicking people and then screaming in the ref's face when he gets a
card for running round kicking people.
They just haven't looked anything near convincing this year.
Teams who have outplayed them have included Sunderland, Burnley and
Fulham. And yet, and yet … they were top of the league last
Tuesday.
In a weaker moment I would compare them to The Hitcher, or The
Terminator, or Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction or anyone of those
80s movie villains that won't lie down and accept that they're
dead.
I've had a moment of inspiration though, and a better comparison
has come to me. A proper grown-up sports journalist-type
comparison.
United are Lance Armstrong. In particular, last year's Lance
Armstrong, back competing at the highest level where he had no
right to be. For almost the entire Tour de France Armstrong was in
the leading group, not from making any attacks, but merely by
always being there whenever the others made their attacks. It was a
combination of experience and nous and sheer will that kept him in
that leading group each day, so that even when you knew that he
might not have the legs to go and actually win the thing, no one
else was going to win it without shaking him off.
Eventually, Alberto Contador did just that but Armstrong held on
for his podium finish. And Contador was driven almost mad looking
over his shoulder at the 53-year-old he couldn't shake off.
Experience and nous and sheer will; it can get you a long way.
And if I hadn't been trained by years of their success into hating
United, I might even admit to being impressed. And hoping that,
like Lance, it'll just be a podium finish.
I could write about the United game, but it would just get me
agitated. It is possible to blindingly, vehemently hate 11 men
while not hating the man standing beside you who loves them.
A match against Man United might be a good place to discuss the
nature of hate.