To the gilded corridors of the Premier League,
where the etiquette is so rarefied it makes the court of Louis
Quatorze look like a free-for-all. This week's lesson in protocol
came from Sir Alex
Ferguson, who was once again moved to explain the
difference between Man U and Man non-U, as Manchester City
must henceforth be known.
Asked to give his reaction to the City ad campaign picturing
Carlos Tevez above the words "Welcome to Manchester", the league's
Nancy Mitford obliged. "It's City, isn't it?" he inquired in that
clipped Govan drawl. "They are a small club with a small mentality…
That arrogance will be rewarded. It is very poor stuff." With the
graciousness that only true breeding can confer, the Manchester
United manager stopped shy of remarking that the
Eastlands parvenus kept their coals in their baths and referred to
napkins as serviettes. But confusion was already unleashed.
After all, it was only in April that Sir Alex was sneering at
those who talked about "small clubs" that you would have thought
the expression was almost as ghastly as saying toilet, or "pleased
to meet you" instead of "how d'you do?" "Everton are a big club,"
he declared after some comment by Liverpool boss Rafa Benítez, "not
a small one which Benítez arrogantly said."
So now the hanky has again been pressed to Ferguson's retroussé
nose, it's easy to feel muddled. And with an exciting new season of
referee-baiting, "mind games", and the odd bit of football almost
upon us, the last thing any of us would wish is to be unclear on
The Rules.
Because make no mistake, these etiquette breaches can be
desperately damaging, despite taking place amongst chaps who are at
pains to emphasise their toughness. Think of Sam Allardyce, who
last season bleated that he'd found some perceived action of the
Liverpool manager's "disrespectful to me and quite humiliating".
(Poor darling Big Sam, who on a previously tired-and-emotional
occasion explained to me that women know nothing about sport,
before embarking on a peroration in which he appeared to be under
the impression that Shane Warne bowled off-spin. But as the Big
Lebowski opined, strong men also cry. Strong men … also cry.)
Then of course there is the recalibration necessitated by City's
becoming nouveau riche, as they make previous League arrivistes
Chelsea look like a club that hasn't had to buy its own furniture.
And of even more pressing concern to those of us who insist on
things being done properly are the new teams, those Premier League
debutantes being presented at the court of the Big Four, and whose
failure to know which knife to use to stab their manager in the
back after a disastrous start would be excruciating in the
extreme.
The solution is clear: the FA must produce a Premier League
etiquette guide. Might I suggest a variation of the classic Frost
Report sketch on class, which starred John Cleese, Ronnie Barker
and Ronnie Corbett – but which might with only a little effort be
adapted as an instructional video starring Ferguson, Mark Hughes,
and perhaps Burnley's Owen Coyle, wearing respectively the bowler
hat, pork pie hat, and cloth cap.
Ferguson I look down on him [indicates Hughes]
because I am a big club.
Hughes I look up to him [Ferguson] because he
is a big club; but I look down on him [Coyle].
Coyle I know my place. I look up to them both.
But I don't look up to him [Hughes] as much as I look up to him
[Ferguson], because he has got innate breeding.
Ferguson I have got innate breeding, but I have
not got as much money as him [Hughes].
Hughes I still look up to him [Ferguson]
because although I have money, I am vulgar. But I still look down
on him [Coyle].
Coyle I know my place. I look up to them both;
but while I am poor, I am honest, industrious and trustworthy.
Hughes We all know our place, but what do we
get out of it?
Ferguson I get a feeling of superiority over
them.
Hughes I get a feeling of inferiority from him,
[Ferguson], but a feeling of superiority over him [Coyle].
Coyle I get a pain in the back of my neck.
Well quite. The FA is urged to rush this one out, or face
complete social breakdown by Christmas.