What can we do to gain more friends? Here are a few
ideas gleaned from many wise people, young and old, and from
observing many friendly people.
Let's start with a very simple one that can have surprising
results:
Smile! Remember a time when a simple smile meant
a lot to you? Give some of that power away. Try a scientific
experiment (or trust those who have): People often smile back when
others smile at them. You have to make this first move in breaking
the ice. It's a subconscious clue that you are friendly.
Say something encouraging. "I hope you do well
in the game [or in the concert or on the math test]." Too often
people hear put-downsbut a sincere compliment or friendly word of
encouragement can be a welcome breath of fresh air.
Show your interest. Ask about their hobbies,
sports or other interests.
Listen. So many of us hunger for others to
listen to us. We can provide that invaluable servicefree!
Communication experts talk about the importance of eye contact and
body language as cues that we are really listening. Don't let your
eyes wander or you'll send the wrong message. (You don't have to
stare the person down, though. Just let your eyes show you are
interested.)
Develop a hobby; join a club or team.
Friendships grow most naturally in the soil of shared
interests.
Study friendly people. Consider the things the
"friend magnets" you know do, and see how to adapt them to your
personality. A high school senior I know, who always seems to be
able to meet new people, is bold and outspoken and cheerful. Maybe
your personality won't stretch enough right now to be bold and
outspoken, but the cheerfulness part might work.
Be willing to accept personality and other differences in
your friends. We all have a personality type, but we can
shape it and stretch it more than most people ever try.
Friendliness is a trait everyone can have.
Focus on what you can give a friend. Too often
friendship problems come when we focus on what we are not
getting.
If you're new in town, meet some of the other new
kids. At least you start with one thing in common! Plus
they too could use a friend.
Expand your circle beyond just the "usual
suspects." Some of those who become our best friends might
not seem likely candidates at first. Often a good place to look for
a friend is in someone who could use a friend. The most popular
person may not have time for another best friend. Consider the
handicapped, the elderly.
One teenager wrote about an extraordinary friendship. "Seven days
ago I lost a friend. He wasn't a usual friend, but was a very
special friend. He was a 71-year-old man who attended my local
congregation . . . Anyone who knew him will tell you he was one of
the most pleasant people you could ever meet. He had a rough life.
He battled many health problems that ultimately resulted in his
losing both his legs.
"Whenever you saw him, you saw his smile. He always had a smile and
an encouraging word. I thank God for letting me get to know him in
the last years of his life. He was like the grandfather I never
had, and he was the kind of man I hope I can be."
Study stories of good friends. One that moved me
is the story of Damon and Pythias, loyal friends who were willing
to give their lives for each other (William Bennett, The Book of
Virtues, 1993, pp. 306-308 ). The Bible is full of real and
inspiring stories that can help us improve our friendships. Read
about David and Jonathan, Ruth and Naomi, Jesus and Mary and
Martha, Jesus and Peter, Jesus and John and many more.
Remember, it's not worth it to go against your morals and
beliefs to try to be accepted. The Bible gives many
examples of false friends (consider Delilah and Judas) and even
talks about some friends to avoid (Deuteronomy 13:6; Proverbs
22:24; James 4:4). God will provide another wayask Him.