Dear Diary,
I am very upset. Today is not a good day for Joey.
The manager says I haven’t been doing well at Liverpool but how
else was I supposed to fit in?
What does he know anyway? Stevie says I’m the best in the
world.
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I was playing FIFA 11 yesterday with the boys. I haven’t been
able to play for a while because I’ve got a sore thumb but Paul
Konchesky told everyone I’m the best in the world. Everybody wanted
me to be their partner, wanted me on their team and they’ve all
been trying to persuade me.
I went on Carra’s team, we lost. I was played out of position,
I’m much better sitting in the middle of the couch than out on the
edge. How am I able to show my talent when messed about like
that?
We visited a hospital to cheer up some sick kids before
Christmas. Sammy Lee said he’d heard I was the best in the
world at this, the anticipation was huge with all the players
looking to me to bring the smiles to the kids faces.
Fernando wanted to know why, in his words: ‘Why are you rubbish
at this Joe, you were supposed to be good. You’re making the
children cry, what’s your beef?’.
I told him that I should always be deployed on the middle
paediatrics ward and not out here on admissions, how am I supposed
to display what I can do when treated like this?
At the Christmas party we played pass the parcel. Glen Johnson
told everyone that he’d never seen anyone play pass the parcel like
me, he said the stories from West Ham about my prowess at this were
legendary. We sat there and the parcel went around and around, Jose
unwrapped a bit, Raul unwrapped a bit, as did others, and then
Stevie unwrapped the last bit and won.
Glen wanted to know what had happened ‘You didn’t have control
of it once, in fact you hardly touched it and here’s me telling
everyone you’re really good.’
I explained to Glen that I was simply put in the wrong position
and should they want to make the most of my ability then I need to
be used more centrally. If it had been me where Stevie was, then
I’d have done well too.
Later at the party, we had a disco and Milan was telling
everyone that he’d heard throughout Europe that I was the most
naturally gifted English dancer around. He had told all the lads
and everyone was looking forward to seeing me do my
stuff.
I gave it a go and they all seemed very disappointed but I had
to explain to them that if the DJ plays the wrong music then how am
I supposed to be able to dance at all?
I think they understood.
As imagined by Annie Eaves for the Mirror