Please note the below is satirical and just a
bit of fun...
10) Following his move to Villa, Maradona forces his players to
join the Church of Maradona. In order to be baptised by John ‘The
Baptist’ Carew, each player must emulate the 'Hand of God' at Villa
Park. The first to be converted is Stilian Petrov, and Maradona
announces that his team is ‘Petrov plus ten others' in a 4-1-5
formation. Diego labels his twelfth disciple, James Milner, ‘Judas’
after he joins Manchester City for 30 million pieces of
silver.
9) In his opening press conference, Maradona admits he made a
mistake taking the job: "I thought they wanted me to join Ricky
Villa, and that we were going to manage a club in Birmingham,
Alabama” - home of the Coke bottling company.
8) After being informed that Gabriel Agbonlahor once cheated on
three different girls and got them all pregnant at the same time,
Maradona applauds his striker and says: “As long as the girls do
all the work. Gabby can’t deliver crosses, so I’m sure he won’t
even attempt to deliver babies.”
7) Ashley Young is dropped from the starting XI, with Emile Heskey
taking his place. When asked why, Maradona claims he had a dream
that Heskey led Villa to the title by breaking the Premier League
scoring record and hitting the winner on the final day of the
season with a 30-yard bicycle kick against Chelsea.
6) On the 25th anniversary of the famous 1986 World Cup quarter
final, Maradona storms the SKY Sports studios with his trusted air
rifle and wounds three pundits after they claimed that not a single
Argentine, including himself, would get into the current England
team. Diego then repeats his infamous Athletic Bilbao karate kick
on Charlie Nicholas after the analyst replicated his line that
"Wayne Rooney would be remembered as the greatest player of all
time".
5) Maradona then falls out with the entire press and refuses to
speak in English. Journalists are only allowed to ask questions in
Spanish and when the first reporter dares to do it, Maradona grins:
"Bravo, now tell your mates: 'que la chupen y que la siguen
chupando!!!'"
4) Following a heated encounter between Aston Villa and Newcastle
United, Joey Barton stands in front of Dieguito’s car as he
attempts to drive out of the St James’ Park car park. Maradona
reacts by flicking his Cuban cigar into Barton’s eye, running over
the ex-convict’s leg, before making a blowjob gesture to the
cameras.
3) Maradona tells Sir Alex Ferguson to “go back to the museum”, and
Arsene Wenger that he “debuted with lads” after an Arsenal Under-18
team thrashes Man Utd 5-0 in the first round of the League
Cup.
2) Socialist Maradona misses Aston Villa’s top of the table clash
against Manchester United after travelling down to London for a
'Stop The War' protest in Hyde Park. Dieguito addresses the ten
million strong crowd: “Comrades, we must end this evil imperialism.
The UK and US are in Iraq and soon Iran for their oil, and in
Afghanistan for their drugs.” When chairman Randy Lerner invites
President Obama to Villa Park as a guest of honour, Maradona
threatens to resign. “Anyone who thinks Obama is going to change
the world is stupider than Pele. The puppet wants war and his
entire cabinet is Wall Street. We need a revolution. Viva Fidel.
Viva Chavez!”
1) After selling Milner for 30 million pieces of silver, Maradona
is offered the chance to replace him with Javier Zanetti, Esteban
Cambiasso, Diego Milito and Juan Roman Riquelme. El Pibe d'Oro
rejects the opportunity and instead spends the money on Ariel
Garce, Diego Pozo and his beloved Martin Palermo. Palermo earns a
"contract for life" after bundling home an injury time winner on
his debut against Chelsea, with Maradona celebrating the strike by
belly-diving across the waterlogged touchline and taking out Carlo
Ancelotti. "That's payback for when you hacked me during
Napoli-Milan in 1988," laughs Maradona after the game.
