America's Got
Talent
Piers Morgan
In the goals:
Wayne Rooney was on top form last season
WAYNE
ROONEY will score 10 fewer goals than
last season. The reason? Premier League defenders will have watched
his dismal displays in the World Cup and suddenly realised he is
not as unstoppable as they thought.
As we've seen with Tiger Woods
in golf, once the aura of invicibility is shattered, it's
shattered. My further prediction is that Rooney will be found
gurgling in a gutter with Amy Winehouse, singing 'Rehab' at the top
of his voice, as a furious Coleen clubs him with a £10,000
diamond-studded Gucci handbag.
Meanwhile, I've a sneaking
feeling Dimitar Berbatov will finally show his class, and
outperform Rooney. He's just too good to be as mediocre as he was
last season.
Here are the rest of my predictions for the coming
season:
MANCHESTER
UNITED
will miss a top-four position
for the first time in decades. Putting aside my usual detestation
of all things United, I actually believe this.
Based on current squads, I
think Liverpool, Manchester City, Chelsea and Arsenal are stronger. And
United clearly have serious financial restraints.
What I don't understand is why
Sir Alex is so keen to support publicly the tightfisted owners who
have wrecked his winning streak.
MARK
HUGHES will return to 'Sparky' form at
Fulham, but that will only be because of all the Viagra Mohamed
Fayed slips him.
Fayed always has a few blue
pills in his pocket. I actually saw him hand one to Arsene Wenger
before an Arsenal game, telling him: 'This will help your team get
it up later.'
He was right, we won
3-0.
THE
young players of the year, both
domestically and internationally, will be the two Jacks - Rodwell
and Wilshere. Brilliant prospects with the steely determination to
match their talent.
TITLE
WINNERS? Alas, I can't look further
than Chelsea. Again. They have the biggest
and best squad, and a team who have tasted a lot of success in
recent years.
Dream team: Jose Mourinho (left) and
Cristiano Ronaldo in pre-season
training
REAL
MADRID will win the
Champions League.
Jose Mourinho
may be an unbelievably irritating, bumptious, cocky egotist (and,
goodness me, I'm always SO put off by such characters ...) but he's
a winner.
And judging by the way he's
already shipped out creaking old showboaters like Raul and Guti,
he's eagerly ripping through the problems that have
held Madrid back for the last few
years.
Cristiano Ronaldo AND The
Special One? A dream team.
TOTTENHAM
will have another very good
season, but will tragically fall out of the top four on the very
last day of the season after Jermain Defoe misses a penalty in the
93rd minute.
I will try to restrain my acute
distress at this bitter disappointment for my north
London friends.
Fabio
Capello
FABIO CAPELLO
will resign or be sacked before
next May.
It's ridiculous he's still in
the job given our shocking debacle in South Africa, and I see no prospect of
anything improving as long as he remains manager.
The players don't play for him,
simple as that. Harry Redknapp is the man for the job, and I'm
going to keep saying it until he gets it.
(The appointment would have the
dual benefit of getting him out of Spurs, too, where his
rehabilitation of a once gloriously useless shower is beginning to
really annoy me.)
ASHLEY
COLE will become the most hated man
in Spain if he goes there. Why? Because
he's always the most hated man in whatever country he plays
in.
Harry
Redknapp
Oh dear: Robert
Green after his clanger against the US
ROBERT
GREEN is destined to be the most
booed player in the Premier League.
It will be a tough call because
most of the England squad can expect some fearful hammer this
season - and quite rightly, too - but Green's calamitous clanger in
that first World Cup game set the tone for our national
misery.
It was like Steve Harmison's
first ball in the 2006-07 Ashes series in
Australia that shot through to second
slip. A signal of discontent.
And I'm afraid Green will,
therefore, have to cop it big time. The good news for him is that
the last person to occupy this 'Most Loathed England Player'
position was David Beckham after he got sent off
against Argentina in 1998. And he went on to make
£100million as a Hollywood clotheshorse.
So, just be patient, Greeny
lad. And those Calvin Klein billboards in
Times Square will all be
yours.
ANDERSON
and Michael Schumacher will
have a car crash.
The former will emerge from the
wreckage unscathed, saying: 'The car lost control at a curve and I
hit a wall.'
The latter will say: 'It was an
inadvertent error.' The video replay will show Schumacher
deliberately ramming Anderson into the
wall.
DAVID
BECKHAM
Coincidentally, they're also
the ONLY club who wanted him. He will then spend much of the season
on the bench, shouting and screaming at his team-mates to play
better.
SOL
CAMPBELL, depressed by the poor
reaction from Newcastle fans, will start binge-eating
in the Bigg Market every night until he eventually reaches the size
of Mr Creosote in the Meaning of Life, and simply
explodes.
Fortunately, he does this
during a game against Arsenal, splattering his guts all over Steve
Harper just as Walcott shoots.
Large task: Sol Campbell in training at
Newcastle United
FREDDIE
FLINTOFF will be appointed official
Inspiration Coach for the England football team.
His first team talk will
involve him picking up each player by the scruff of his waxed neck
and saying: 'Right, you pampered, overpaid, underworked, whining
little prima donna, let's try a bit of pride in our country today,
shall we?'
BLACKPOOLWest
Brom on
January 12. will be relegated, some time
around January 5. Closely followed by
I'm as certain of this as I was
that Eva Mendes would flirt with me on American TV last week (she
took about three seconds to make her move).
As for
Newcastle, the third promoted team, I
hope and pray they stay up.
I love the Toon Army, and their
devotion deserves so much better than they've had to
suffer.
MICK
McCARTHY will be fired as manager of
Wolves, and issue a statement saying: 'This was never about my ego.
It was about doing what's best for Mick McCarthy. But hey, enough
about Mick McCarthy, let's talk about Mick
McCarthy.'
LIVERPOOL
will have a very
good season under Roy Hodgson.
Judging by what he did with
Fulham's fairly average squad, imagine what he's going to do with
the likes of Gerrard and Torres.
Looking up: Liverpool have a good chance with
Fernando Torres in their team
And if you
think you've seen profligate spending from the Arabs at
Manchester City, wait until the Chinese get
going at Anfield if they succeed in buying the
club.
From what I saw
in Shanghai recently, they are the richest
of the rich, and hate being anything but No 1 in any business
venture. And for those lucky Kop fans, the quality of prawn balls
at half-time is going to take a massive turn for the
better.
ARSENE
WENGER will end his trophy drought. I
know, I know, I'm biased. But I have been very impressed with the
boss's close season activity.
How he thwarted
Barcelona and persuaded Fabregas to stay
is beyond me, but to his credit, he has done it. And this will be a
hugely significant non-transfer for Arsenal.
He's also chucked out some dead
wood at the back - Gallas, Campbell, Silvestre - and signed a
superb defender in Laurent Koscielny to partner
Vermaelen.
Arsenal open day: Cesc Fabregas (R) and Robin Van
Persie warm up under the watchful eye of Arsene Wenger.
Up front, I like the look of
Marouane Chamakh, who is tall, strong, fast, skilful, good in the
air, a lethal finisher, and looks like Ronaldo's slightly prettier
younger brother.
All we need now is a good
goalkeeper, and another central defender as back-up, and I'm
feeling excited again for the first time in a few years at the
Emirates.