Power failure: Fabregas has put his finger on
Arsenal's problem
Perhaps the funniest moment I have ever witnessed in
football came at Craven Cottage before a Fulham-Arsenal match a few
years ago. Mohamed Al Fayed was proudly showing me around his
stadium, where he is rightly adored by the fans for his prolonged
financial commitment, when we bumped into Arsene
Wenger.
'Ah, Arsene, good to see you, I think your boys are
going to need a little help today,' laughed Mohamed. Wenger looked
bemused. 'What kind of help?'
'This kind,' explained the Harrods tycoon, delving into his
pocket and handing the astonished Arsenal manager two small blue
tablets.
Wenger's smile rapidly turned to concern. 'What are these?' he
asked, frowning. 'Viagra,' chuckled Mohamed. 'They will help your
team get it up later.'
At which point, I, Arsene and Mohamed all fell about
laughing.
I never found out what Wenger did with those pills but I was
reminded of them last week when Cesc Fabregas blasted Arsenal for
being 'impotent'.
In one word, our young captain perfectly encapsulated what's
wrong at the Emirates. Because if you study the dictionary
definition of 'impotence' then the precise meaning is varied but
quite clear in its general message: 'Lack of strength and power,
feebleness, inability, imbecility, chronic failure to sustain
performance.'
How odd that it takes a Spaniard to conjure up the right English
word for the problem. But how timely, too. Because impotence is
rife at Arsenal these days. Most of the players seem to suffer from
it, as do the manager, the board and the fans.
We have become, collectively, a physically and emotionally
dysfunctional group. And the reason for that is we've forgotten
what's it like to score, to win, to beat our chests in triumph.
Instead, our lives are trapped in an inert world of persistent
under-performance, bitter disappointment, pathetic excuse and
enduring shame.
Not surprising, really, when you consider that the main causes
of impotence are 'stress and anxiety from work', 'problems with
your relationship', 'depression', 'boredom' and 'unresolved
orientation'.
FOOTBALLING VIAGRA: Carlos Tevez can stiffen
Arsenal's resolve
I'm not quite sure what that last one alludes to,
actually, but given that I've felt pretty disorientated for the
last year, I'll accept the charge.
Fabregas is not 'doing an Adebayor' as it's known in the trade -
flirting shamelessly with foreign clubs in the close season while
hammering his own team to hide his own shortcomings.
He has made it crystal clear since the 'impotence' comment that
he is 100 per cent committed to Arsenal and has no intention of
leaving.
Which should buy us at least another year with him. But his
stinging remarks deserve to be taken seriously.
'The absence of titles at Arsenal is what angers me most,' he
raged. 'Ronaldo left Manchester United because he had nothing left
to win. For me it is the opposite.
'For four years now we've needed a title to regain belief in
ourselves. This year we were giving everything but we couldn't
reach the level expected at Arsenal. When you win, you're well, but
when you don't, everyone is in a bad mood.'
It's bad enough feeling impotent at 44, like I do as a
season-ticket holder. But imagine feeling it at 21, when you're a
handsome young sporting superstar at the peak of your powers and
supposedly pumping with testosterone? That's got to be torture,
right?
I applaud Fabregas for what he said and for when he said it.
Because this is the time for Arsenal to look hard in the mirror and
ask the tough questions.
Do we want to be Premier League contenders again? Do we
actually want to win things? Do we want to seriously challenge the
big boys of European football any more?
If the answers are Yes, Yes and Yes then the people who run the
club need to cure this collective impotence with some large doses
of Viagra.
There is no shame in seeking help for such a problem. Pele, the
greatest player in history, promoted it in TV commercials, for
goodness sake. And if they have any trouble locating it, then I'm
sure Mohamed Al Fayed has got plenty of spare supply. But Viagra we
need, in any form we can get it.
Like everyone connected with Arsenal at the moment, I am
heartily sick and tired of feeling impotent, of being the butt of
jokes (from Spurs fans, too. How embarrassing is THAT?), of going
to bed at night knowing I'm going to wake up feeling just as
depressed as I was the day before.
Viagra's not cheap. But it works. And it comes in numerous
different names these days - 'Eto'o', 'Tevez', 'Villa' are among
the many exciting brand names all currently available, and all
highly effective.
Fabregas has identified the problem. I've identified the cure.
Over to you, Arsene.
