Alright Peter. What’s the weirdest dream you’ve ever
had?
About three years ago I used to dream about being a dwarf. I was
walking round a bar and I couldn’t see anything, and nobody could
see me. It was completely surreal.
A psychologist would have a field day with
that…
They would. It was about three years ago and a lot was being made
of my height at the time. I guess something in my brain clicked and
went the other way in the dream. It was a totally different
perspective, I can tell you. I’d wake up relieved to be tall, and
thankful for what God gave me.
You’re a religious man then? Ever turned to the bible
for solace?
I’ve read extracts, yeah, although I couldn’t tell you which bits.
I’m not too religious, although I’d say I do believe in God.
What was the best thing you made in woodwork at
school?
I was awful at woodwork. Artistic stuff was never my forte. I guess
the best thing I made was a wooden pencil case thing. It was a box
with a sliding mechanism. It was also hinged, so you could flip it
open. I should have patented that.
Did you ever get grounded as a kid?
Yeah. I remember playing football once in my back garden. The ball
had gone into my neighbour’s garden about 14 times and they finally
got fed up and wouldn’t chuck it back. So we started lobbing mud
onto their window. My dad found out and wasn’t pleased.
Did he thrash you mercilessly?
No. To be honest, I think he thought it was quite funny. But he had
to be seen to be issuing punishment, so I got
grounded.
What’s your favourite swimming stroke?
Got to be the front crawl. Breast stroke’s a bit ladylike, isn’t
it? If I could do butterfly that would be my favourite, but it’s
knackering. One length and it’sall over.
What superpower would you most like to
possess?
X-ray vision is tempting, but I think I’d go for the power of
flight. It’d just be so handy for getting about. And it would also
be useful on the pitch. Although I’m not sure if they’d allow it,
would they?
What’s your all-time favourite TV or film
robot?
There aren’t any dancing robots are there really? I guess I’d go
for the gold fella from Star Wars. C3PO. He was a decent robot.
If youw ere murdered, which fictional TV detective would
you like to investigate the case?
Er… what’s his name with the brown Mac?
Colombo. Everyone goes for Colombo.
I used to watch him when I was a kid. My gran was bang in to
Colombo. We loved it. He’d sort it out.
Why do you think wearing hats is no longer popular,
Crouchy?
No idea, but I’ve never been a hat man. There are a few people
trying to bring the hat back, aren’t there? Pete Docherty’s giving
it a crack. But it doesn’t work for me. I’m glad they’re not
compulsory.
Ever picked up anything off the floor and eaten
it?
It’s the five-second rule, isn’t it? I’ll go along with that. In
fact, I’d stretch it to ten seconds. Apart from in the case of
face-down pizza. That’s a difficult situation.
What about Scotch eggs? Are you a fan of the mighty
Segg?
I’m a huge fan. I’ve always got a box of Scotch eggs at home. Good
quality ones, too. They’re in the fridge at home now.
Finally: is this interview a total waste of your
time?
An utter, utter waste of time. But I’ve been talking about football
all day, so I’ve quite enjoyed it, really