Let's get the
clichés out the way first. A win is a win. We'll take the three
points. There are no easy games in international football. We all
gave two million per cent.
Now let's get real. Andorra are rubbish.
It's not surprising. All the men of marriable age play
international football. Frankly there is no point whatsoever in a
team like that playing dozens of qualifying matches.
They are about as likely to win an international football match
as Andy
Murray is to win a beauty pageant.
Andorra do not really play football - they play a football
version of piling up the furniture against the door stop a baddie
getting into your bedroom. It kind-of works too if the baddie in
question is as
witless as England.
But surely it's time that the minor nations - and I mean the
ones that are not so much minnows as krill - can have their own
pre-qualifying shindig and we can find out which one of San Marino,
Liechtenstein, Luxemburg and Andorra and Scotland (joke!) are
allowed to join the party.
Actually, I give it four years before England have a bit of
pre-qualifying to do.
The question that really arises from Saturday - and might well be
confirmed come Wednesday is this - is it time to accept that
England are a poor football team?
There's not a bloke in that squad who can raise his game to the
heights necessary, is there? Why is it that Lampard is still there,
plying his horribly average trade when there must be a case for
putting a bucket of cod in there in his stead?
Why is it that
Rooney is a worse player now than when he was 17? Shrek is
slowly but surely turning into the bloody donkey!
Look at the lad Murray last night - brilliant! How can a
sportsman get progressively worse between the ages of 17 and
21?
Why is Beckham still there, mobile as a fencepost, when Walcott,
Bentley, Agbonlahor, Young, Lennon, my mum, the bucket of cod's
brother are all left out?
I like Becks, but he's done with and it's time the lad was left
to his showbiz pals and we play a footballer on the right and not a
brand.
Even a Boro fan has to accept that Stew Downing is not up to it
at international level. Defoe is still a desperate pick, Heskey
without Owen is pointless. All right Emile had a great season last
year - three goals he scored - and he's honest. But that's it.
Until Joe Cole came on I've seen more wit and invention in a
Jeremy
Kyle monologue. Not that I saw the game live cos I'm one of
millions who think Setanta is some sort of drab Eastern European
car that runs on potato peelings.
Is it beyond the brainless trolls of terrestrial TV land to
cough up for a highlights programme? Frankly you'd think Setanta
would be paying us to watch highlights of Andorra v England any
road.
I mean, ITV were happy to show the Soccer Aid farce last night
on prime-time. Obviously it's great to raise the money for UNICEF
but why does the attachment of the word "charity" to a big event
seem to give permission for the product to be rubbish?
Actually I'm going to stop there cos if I'm honest I'm just
gut-wrenchingly narked that Gareth Gates gets to share the
Wembley turf with Romario and Figo and the rest of us sit around
with envious faces trying to work out who the hell half the
celebrities are.
Mind you Deayton marking Figo is more comprehensible than some
of the omissions from the Fab squad.
Though they seem to turn the three lions on their chest into the
toothless flea-bitten kind that mince along Yellow Brick Roads with the
other friends of Dorothy, I'm not sure the players are entirely
to blame.
No Ashton, no Agbonlahor, no Young, no Owen, no sense. At least
there are some reasons for optimism.
Capello's obvious fury makes a welcome change from them tiny
frowns from Sven and Smiley Steve's feeble brolly and coffee
faff.
Two-up and Cole and Rooney start to coast around the place like
it's job done.
Good lad Fabio, give 'em a good old slagging.
But the fact is that this England side scares no one. Except
their own fans. Ferdinand and Gerrard would help, even if Stevie G
is bleating that he never got his favourite position ever.
Ask Paul Scholes if he thinks it's fair. I think
Wednesday night against Croatia, that reality will bite and
we'll finally realise that we're not good enough.
And that could - only could - result in England playing a brand
of football that is, God help us, English.
Obviously we'll miss the scintillating continental style
interplay between Terry, Lescott, Johnson and Cole at the back,
with no one more than 200 yards near them.
But maybe a lot of pace, energy, direction, verve... you know,
the way Liverpool play when Rafa wants them to win...the way Man
Utd play...hell, the way Chelsea played in the opening game of the
season might just mean that the team can become greater than the
sum of its parts.
It does require that the players understand their roles - and
that means 4-4-2. Dull yes, but then that matches an England
footballer's mind.
Remember when McClaren played a Donadonian 5-3-2 in Zagreb? A
lot to ask of a team with the IQ of an armchair.
But when I think about England I feel like a bloke looking for a
date at a supermodel convention - I'm just clutching at
straws.
In fact let's just settle for supporting a Scot for a change.
C'mon Murray,
son.
I used to hate England a lot because everyone are
so unbearably cocky. From the fans to the media to the coaches.
Remember the pre-match talks before they faced Croatia? How they
dismissed Croatia. Now Capello has brought them down to earth so
they shut up and worked hard against Andorra. But I can't help this
is what England fans deserve if they keep showing their opponents
such disrespect. What do they expect Andorra to do? If I face Mike
Tyson in the ring, do i go defensive and hide or come out all
punches flying? They should have just come out to do a professional
job and win and let it be. If they get frustrated by defensive
tactics then its their own failure not to be able to find the good
final pass to the strikers. Face it England fans, your team was
poor.