I recently broke up with my ex. Here's the story.
He's serving NS now and i left him not because of NS. For the
duration that we've been together, i try my best to make time for
him during the weekends by clearing and rushing all my schoolwork
on weekdays so that i can spend my weekends with him. I always
spend 1-2 hrs travelling to his house every weekend because we live
very very far from each other. He never fetches me from the bus
stop or the mrt and on one occasion, i got lost on the way. He got
really angry that i got lost and scolded me for not being able to
navigate properly.
I understand that army guys are normally really tired and stuff
so i don't expect him to travel to my house or send me home. And i
also understand that he's really busy during the weekdays so i
don't expect him to text me or call me much. So i do try to
initiate conversations occasionally like asking how he is and stuff
although he never asks about how i am doing or what i'm busy
with.
Every time we quarrel, he never fails to bring up things like
"maybe you should go find your perfect guy somewhere else" or "i
just want an ideal girlfriend", things that suggest that we should
part ways.
Recently we got into a huge argument over something minor that
was my fault, and he said truckloads of hurtful stuff to me. Things
like "i don't give a fuck if you are hungry, that's your problem.
The thing is, I'm hungry". And when i try to apologise for my
actions that i sincerely felt was wrong, he pushed me away, swore
at me and said something like "don't touch me, i don't give a
single fuck about your sorry". And when i asked why he wasn't
appreciative of the time i sacrificed for him, he said "All you do
is take taxi over to my house" and when i clarified the fact that i
am a student and i don't earn to be able to pay for taxi fare to
and from his house, he said "i don't give a fuck. That's your
problem. I didn't say you couldn't take taxi." And after that he
went on to say how ever since i came into his life, i spent my
weekends with him and so he doesn't have time to go out with his
friends, go to bars and how i don't like it when he goes to club.
Thing is, throughout the time we spent together he never brought up
these issues. It just seems like he said all this out of anger. And
all this happened after he told me to leave his house at around 8pm
when it was already dark. He just said "Just leave, i don't want to
see you again" and even went on to ask me if he needed me to open
the door for him. I believe he treats his parents, loved ones and
ex-girlfriend like this too because his parents don't really like
talking to him.
Thing is, i did love him. I loved him alot. I tried to
understand that he's tired, stressed, angry. And i used to complain
that he didn't text me enough, didn't give me enough attention but
i stopped because i knew i was being unreasonable. I stopped
demanding for so much attention. Maybe i didn't know how to express
it properly but i did love him. I would always look forward to
Fridays because i'd get to see him and hug him after a whole week
of not talking and communicating much. That whole incident tore me
apart, being told by someone you love so much to leave and they
didn't want to see you again. I just don't know how to fight back
or stand up for myself anymore.
He did apologise after that and told me that he would never tell
me to leave or say such things again. He told me he still loved me
and that he still cares. To be fair, he does bring me out for
dinners, meals and pays for alot of the stuff.
I thought about this for the entire night and decided that it
was time to leave this toxic relationship. I cut off all contact
with him and just left. Right now, i am trying to stay positive so
that i can start the healing process. Its difficult because i am
constantly replaying all the hurtful things he said to me in my
head and i'm constantly beaten down. I feel bad about myself and i
feel that i'm not worth anything. Also, i keep getting the urge to
contact him and return to the vicious cycle again. (I haven't so
far)
My question is, what could i have done better? Is he the problem
or am I the problem? Conflicts are bound to arise because we are
two different people. People quarrel to fix problems, come to a
compromise or understand the reason for the other party's actions,
not to blame each other for their differences. What could i have
done better to get my point across without sounding like i'm
blaming the other party? Can i blame him entirely for treating his
loved ones like this or does he have some other deep seated issues
that he didn't tell me? Is he just stressed from NS and taking it
out on me? Is there any way i can help him even though we have
broken up?
I am not the best girlfriend, but i want to be a better
girlfriend in my next relationship. Thanks for reading guys :)
It can be considered a toxic relationship
because when he loses his temper, he lashed it out uncontrollably
like a barbed whip. And because you are on the receiving end, I am
sure the impact is debilitating. Somehow, he doesn't seem competent
in having the ability to manage his feelings reasonably and may
have difficulty in dealing with relational-trust-emotional-intimacy
issues.
From your writing, I can tell
that you really want to help him. However, before you decide to plunge into
this love version of messiah complex, be very mindful of the fact
that leading a relationship isn't tantamount to doing social work.
More often than not, your engagement would naturally involve
certain degree of personal cost and sacrifice - which is also
ultimately meaningless because you are technically out of the
picture already (namely no longer in the relationship with
him).
By asking how you could do better is already an indication to me
that you will surely become a better girlfriend. The philosophy is
not so much about the 'how', but more on the 'why'.
"Why is being a better girlfriend so important for
you?" 
My assumption for the above question (on your behalf) is that
you probably want a fulfilling relationship that could hopefully
last till the end and you want to make sure that the only
controllable factor - which is yourself - can be tweak to improve
the probability of that happening.
If I am largely right, then ultimately, self growth with
volition will surely lead you to quality and
excellence. 
***
There are some probable directions for you
to proceed via self discovery and I will frame it in four questions
for you to ponder about (you don't really have to answer me
though):
i) What attracts you to this
guy? (e.g. he is dependable)
ii) How come you are attracted
to these qualities/example mentioned? (because I like stability in
a man).
iii) What are the 'side
effect' of being attracted to these sort of qualities/example
mentioned? (e.g. he is boring).
iv) If what you want
is a
fulfilling relationship, then for the qualities/example mentioned
above, are these qualities/example
fundamental for you
to ensure a fulfilling relationship (in your
perspective)? (e.g.
between fun needs and stability, it is fundamentally more important
for me to be in a stable relationship).
Cheers