Train Your Dog The Mourinho Way
It is vital at all times to project an air of total superiority.
This can also apply to dog ownership.
Firstly, exercise is of course very important. I take my dogs to
the park in a group. I like best to hurl a ball a long way into the
distance and try to bounce it off the head of my big, lumpy
rottweiler. This to me is beauty: man and beast working together. I
also train all of my dogs to roll over, that is most important for
a champion.
Sometimes the dogs will bite children in the park, but then that is
because the children provoke them because they are Mourinho's
dogs.
They even claim to catch rabies just to get me in trouble.
Sometimes, even though I have 30 of the most expensive dogs money
can buy, it seems to me that none of them are fit to come to the
park with me. When this happens I cry, and think about perhaps
getting one more from Battersea Dogs' Home. If only I had just one
more, everything would be different, I know for sure.
It is unfair, but that is the world of dog training. It is biased
against me.
Choosing and acquiring a dog is a complicated process. For
instance, my terrier belonged to somebody else before I got him. I
would go round to my neighbour's house each day and tempt the
little fellow with food, new dog treats, a nice hairy bitch named
Cheryl for him to get his thing on with. My neighbour did not like
me doing this, but that is tough for him. Eventually the little
terrier come and live with me. That is life, no?
It is his choice to come and to say I put him in a garbage sack is
crazy.
But that is not to say that any dog will just fit into my pack. I
was forced to introduce a Ukrainian Moneyhound into the group and
the others did not accept him. The leaders of the pack are a tough
English bulldog that does not like foreign dogs because they smell
funny and a fat little English poodle.
My neighbour, who trains mainly Spanish Longballs, is causing me
great annoyance of late. For instance, I have had to take my dogs
for 27 walkies in the last week; he has only had to make them do a
business four times.
I laugh, or I would cry.
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