As Chelsea bounced around their in-no-way-contrived post-match
huddle after beating Barcelona, it was hard not to notice a rather
sheepish-looking Andriy Shevchenko, whose side continues to grind
out results despite his eighth game without a goal.
Will Sheva ever find the net again? Of course he will. Even the
truly woeful Robert Fleck scored the odd goal for Chelsea.
But will he return to the goalscoring force he was at Milan, the
player that persuaded Roman Abramovich to splash £30million on a
player who was three months short of his 30th birthday? I doubt
it.
He is a player in physical decline who has to adjust to an entirely
new playing style and a new group of team-mates. He clicked
perfectly into the Milan system, while clearly Mourinho's direct,
physical side suits Didier Drogba down to the ground, not
Shevchenko.
This is not to say that the ex-Milan man isn't good. He is one of
the finest goalscorers of the last decade, a player with
intelligence, technique and tremendous decisiveness.
But Juan Sebastian Veron and even Hernan Crespo were also deemed to
have 'too much quality' to struggle for long in the Premiership.
Neither ever really cut it although, by the by, the extent to which
Veron failed is greatly exaggerated.
The Ukrainian got his big chance ten minutes into the second half
on Wednesday, when Frank Lampard fed him with a great first-time
ball, but the striker's first touch was heavy and he ended up
shooting over.
The consensus was that it was a chance he would have snaffled in an
instant for Milan (probably true) and that it demonstrated his lack
of confidence.
The second point might also be true, but how come this is an excuse
we allow strikers but not players in other positions? When Titus
Bramble drops yet another clanger, it is not because he is short on
confidence. It is because he is rubbish.
We like to mythologise the art of scoring goals - for starters, it
is considered an art, whereas heading clear from corners is
considered donkey work. It is a duel between the striker and the
goalkeeper, a test of the player's coolness and ability to deliver
under pressure.
But when it comes down to it, scoring goals is a case of whacking
the ball into a fairly large area nearly 18 square metres in size.
Of course it isn't easy, but neither is the rest of football.
Well, not unless you're Henrique Hilario who, despite making his
Chelsea debut, would have had a tougher night picking splinters out
of his backside on the bench.
Barcelona failed comprehensively to trouble the third-choice
goalkeeper, who was called into action following the injuries to
Petr Cech and Carlo Cudicini.
The sickening injuries suffered by those two men made goalkeeping
seem like the world's most dangerous profession.
After four days of hearing dire warnings from his manager that a
fatality was inevitable, Hilario breezed through proceedings
without even once requiring a helmet or a protective coat of
armour.
In fact, the game only went to show how unimportant the men between
the sticks often are. Victor Valdes has no chance with Drogba's
brilliant winner, and neither keeper was forced into anything more
than a routine save for the rest of the night.
UEFA statistics show that so far this season the teams have managed
anything from two (Bordeaux) to nine (Real Madrid) shots on target
per game.
In all there have been 498 shots and 120 goals, meaning that a
whopping 24% of shots on target end up in the onion bag. Or to put
it another way, goalkeepers save three out of every four attempts
that come their way.
In fact it isn't even as good as that for keepers, who are forced
into phantom saves just to pad out their statistics. Just about the
only intervention of note Hilario made, other than booting the ball
repeatedly into the crowd, was to turn Xavi's shot round the post
after a brilliant Barcelona move. The replays clearly showed the
shot was going wide anyway - but it was deemed 'on target' because
a save was made.
The typical Champions League goalkeeper is called into meaningful
action a shade over five times each game, and only has to make four
saves to put in an above-average performance.
Yes, there are other measures of a goalkeeper's performance. There
is the way he deals with crosses, his ability to command his area
and whether or not he barks obscenities at defenders when they fail
to mark up properly.
Oh, and there's kicking, which Hilario did so badly he suffered
just about the ultimate schoolboy indignity late on, when he had to
entrust on goal kick to a defender. But he kept a clean sheet, and
by just about the only statistical measure going had a great
game.
Of course, being football fans we don't really concern ourselves
with this kind of thing. We have a natural suspicion of facts and
figures, presumably on the age-old basis that 'there's only one
statistic that counts'.
But try telling that to Americans, who will happily argue all day
about whether On-base Plus Slugging or Runs Created Per 27 Outs is
a better way of measuring a baseball player's productivity.
We could learn a lot from US sports and their statistical
obsessions. Football stats are on the rise, but they are still
treated with caution, while the good stuff (ProZone) comes at a
price and is mainly used by coaches and scouts.
Part of the difficulty comes in the flowing nature of the game.
American games have frequent, natural breaks in play (whether
American football, baseball or basketball), whereas 'soccer' does
not.
There is no objective way of measuring whether a pass is short,
long or a cross. Can a ball be deemed successful if the recipient
gets to it but can't bring it under control? Was that a tackle or
an interception? What exactly happened in that goalmouth
scramble?
Football is a matter of degrees, whereas if you want to know how
many times a baseball hitter has grounded into a double play with
no outs and men on first and third bases, you can do that.
Obviously it asks profound questions about you as a person, but you
can do it.
If we were Americans, we would be able to analyse Andriy Shevchenko
using about 35 different statistical categories, from Penalty Box
Control Efficiency to Headed Passes Per 90 Minutes Index.
Sadly, we are not, so instead we have to make do with the pundits'
assertions that he is much too good not to start scoring.
