1. Introduce yourself to the guy at the next urinal.
2. Turn the light off while stalls are occupied.
3. Order a pizza. (This works great in bars that allow outside food
deliveries. Call back the pizza parlor thirty minutes after you
place your order, giving them plenty of time to start delivering
the pizza, and tell them you can be found in the last stall in the
men's bathroom. Refuse to leave until you get your pizza.)
4. Stick your head over an occupied stall and ask for the
time.
5. Tell people that they're on TV. Point to some random spot on the
far wall and ask them to "smile for the camera".
6. Lie down across all the sinks and pretend to be passed
out.
7. Use a stopwatch to time people going to the bathroom. Cheer them
on to encourage good performance.
8. Hold your hand in front of a hand dryer while someone's using
it.
9. Pour a bucket of water over an occupied stall.
10. Grab someone's ass really hard while they're using a urinal,
and see how far you can get before they catch you.
11. Guard the paper towel dispenser in the name of the Earth
Liberation Front.
12. Say to the guy at the next urinal: "This is the best part about
being gay."
13. Say, "Huh, that's funny. I don't remember eating
asparagus."
14. Turn off the faucet while someone's washing their hands.
Repeat.
15. Pee on someone's leg and tell them it's raining.
16. Offer to blow-dry other people's hands with your mouth to save
energy.
17. Point at someone's crotch while they're using a urinal and
yell, "Ha ha, your fly is down!"
18. Put on a hand puppet show underneath the stall next to
you.
19. Complain about the size of your penis.
20. While inside the bathroom, ask where the nearest bathroom is.
After you've received a puzzled look or response, reply, "I'm not
looking for a toilet, you moron, I'm looking for a bathroom.
Haven't you ever taken a bath? Apparently not. No wonder it smells
like shit in here."
21. Demand to know where the glory holes are.
22. Walk up behind someone who's using a urinal and wrap his head
in toilet paper.
23 Ask a friend to help you stage a live audio performance of a
violent mugging for your unwitting audience inside the stalls. Make
sure the final line of dialogue is, "You come out of there and I'll
blow your fucking head off."
24 Inside a stall, pretend to be talking to a young child, "That's
right Johnny, remember what I told you about unzipping your fly?
Oh, now look what you did!" Then slap your hands twice and make
crying noises.
25 Hang a realistic dummy from a noose inside one of the stalls as
a wacky surprise for the next visitor.
26 Knock on the stall next to you and say, "Do you have enough
toilet paper in there? I got plenty if you need some."
27 Put up a sign above the sink that says "Did you remember to
wipe?"
28 Put up a sign that says, "This is the legally required
'Employees must wash hands' sign which we disregard on a daily
basis."
29 Put up a sign that says "Caution: please do not use
toilets."
30 Fill the liquid soap containers with motor oil.
31 Have (mobile) phone sex while standing at a urinal.
32 Smear peanut butter on a piece of toilet paper, drop it between
stalls, and curse yourself for being clumsy.
33 Flash people standing just outside the bathroom door. Tell them
that you've finally "found the loophole".
34 Pump soap for people, give out paper towels, and demand
tips.
35 Wear a camera around your neck and offer to take people's photos
for money.
36 When the bathroom is empty, get down on your hands and knees and
hold your face over one of the urinals. Wait in that position until
someone enters the bathroom. Act as if you're embarrassed to be
caught.
37 See how long you can do a raspberry inside one of the stalls
before someone asks you if you're alright.
38 Whisper, "Now spread your legs, honey. Oh yeah, that's
it."
39 Drop a small, unclothed, plastic baby doll in a toilet, along
with an ample supply of red food coloring.
40 Identify people who have not washed their hands. Follow them out
of the bathroom and publicly announce this fact.
41 Congratulate yourself aloud on a job well done.
