by Paul Mauchline
I am not an anti-divorce advocate. Divorce is necessary in cases
of physical or mental abuse, or in the case of two people who are
so incompatible that they never should have been together in the
first place.
Certainly, if your partner is mentally or physically abusive to
you or your children -- or if he or she exhibits any signs of
violent behavior -- you cannot ignore these signs. You are putting
yourself, and possibly others, in serious jeopardy. Divorce in such
cases is merited.
However, considering the alarming divorce statistics worldwide
and the growth and economic success of the divorce industry, I have
to question whether we seriously consider the question -- "Are you
the one for me?" -- before marriage. In my opinion, if
relationships are failing at such an alarming rate, why did these
people get together in the first place? I have heard many excuses
for why relationships fail: "he/she has changed since we met"; "we
just grew apart"; "the love just disappeared from the relationship;
"we weren't compatible"; "financial troubles got in our way"; "we
weren't communicating anymore"; "he/she was unfaithful and cheated
on me."
To me, the reasons are not important. The real issue is why two
people meet, date, court one another, commit to a relationship,
purchase a home, have children, get into debt together, and then
decide, "You are not the one for me." Whether you have lived
together for two years or twenty years, such a decision has
repercussions not only for the two individuals who are splitting
up, but also for children, friends, and family as well.
Why are we failing, today, in recognizing what we want as
individuals, and what we want and need from our relationships? Now,
the sixty-four dollar question: why are at least half of us
selecting the wrong partners? I do not feel that we are honestly
examining the question "are you the one for me?" as much as we may
think we are.
Relationships are a big part of life for most of us. It is part
of our human existence that we choose a mate, share love and
intimacy, provide comfort and security for one another, and, in
many cases, have and nurture children together. Since intimate,
loving relationships are so important to us, many of us are willing
to make great sacrifices in order to have a relationship. When we
finally meet that potential partner who pushes most of the right
buttons, we feel a sense of relief that our search is now over. We
are thrilled to have found a partner, a person with whom to have a
relationship and share our life.
Sometimes, though, we fool ourselves in the initial euphoria of
love: we are not honest with ourselves about the things that bother
us about our partner. We hope that these things simply will go
away. We might ignore upsetting issues and allow them to pass
without challenging them, or avoid topics of discussion that could
lead to disagreements. We may tell ourselves that the things that
bother us about our partner are not very important or that we are
being too picky. We may be hesitant about asking questions of our
partner that may reveal potential problems for the
relationship.
We need to make compromises in relationships, but we should not
sacrifice our personal dreams and goals for them. By ignoring
potential problems, we abandon ourselves for the sake of the
relationship.
Many of the warning signs of incompatibility or potential
conflict between two partners are present from the beginning of the
relationship. The problem lies in recognizing these challenges and
addressing them early on in the relationship, before they become
irreconcilable differences.
If important issues are irreconcilable from the start, it is a
good indication that the relationship will not succeed. Each of us
is a unique person, with individual qualities, needs, strengths,
and imperfections. In relationships with others, two unique
individuals come together, and try to live in harmony with one
another. Each person's qualities interact with the other's to set
the mood or tone of the relationship. It is the cumulative effect
of many attributes in another that make us feel safe and
comfortable in a relationship.
Many of us fall in love with one aspect or very few aspects of
our partners, and try to downplay the other aspects that make us
unhappy. Often this gets us into trouble. If we spend our time and
energy trying to reassure ourselves that the problems with our
partner do not exist, we may be ignoring the issues that will
slowly, cumulatively destroy the relationship.
Why do we choose to ignore these problems? Why do we insist on
having a relationship when we know deep down inside that this
person is not the one? Why do we choose to set ourselves up for
emotional hurt? There are many answers to these questions, but fear
is probably the greatest motivating factor for these choices.
We fear being unable to find somebody with whom to share our
life. We fear living alone. We fear being the last of our friends
to be in a committed relationship. We fear the financial hardships
of doing it alone in a society of two-income households. We fear
growing old and dying alone.
