Intelligent people seem to think that they are stronger than
their emotions. They seem to think that they can suppress or ignore
discomforting personal emotions. Daniel Goleman says that it is the
fears, anxieties, anger, and other emotions that guide us in our
everyday lives, “Even the most academically brilliant among us are
vulnerable to being undone by unruly emotions.”
I don’t advocate being psychotic or annoying to people so that
you can get all your bad emotions “out of your system.” For people
such as Michael in our example, the problem is in the logical
reasoning that the emotions can be ignored. They may see pain as a
sign of weakness. As a result, the best way to deal with the
emotional pain is suppression. The thought of not being able to
solve a problem causes smart people to avoid the issue.
When intelligent people can’t resolve an issue, they will likely
complain and blame others for the outcome. Their knowledge and past
experience in solving problems causes them to look outside
themselves for a reason as to why the problem still exists. Even
when blaming outside influences, a smart person may conclude that
because they have an unsolved problem, it can’t be solved or it
isn’t worth the effort to solve.
Pat Wagner from Pattern Research, a Colorado company
that provides organisations with a very diverse range of
communication development programs, says smart people have a
tendency to convert their self-diagnosed failings into virtues.
They use their intellect to convert their emotional weaknesses into
strengths. Pat terms them as smart flaws.
One particular smart flaw used by Pat that stood out for me,
because I’ve been caught out using the exact same rationalizing to
excuse myself, was not engaging in small talk because I reasoned it
was a time waster. Now that I’m more aware of the most common smart
flaws I use, I try to stop myself in my tracks and identify the
real reason as to why I’m rationalizing my behavior. Whenever I
don’t talk to someone because “it is a waste of time,” it could be
because I’m not dealing with my emotions such as hiding: the fear
of talking to strangers, feelings of unhappiness, or the anxiety
that I’ll be boring.
This leads onto another emotional weakness smart people have,
particularly guys when they want to approach a woman they like –
fear. David DeAngelo, expert dating coach for guys,
says, “A smart guy’s strength is his mind. His weakness is often
his emotions. Smart guys are often immobilized by fear.”
Women wonder why a guy won’t come up and talk to her in spite of
all the obvious signals she is sending in wanting him to approach
her. When the guy wants to talk to a girl he likes, his analytical
mind switches on. A million thoughts, scenarios, and potential
problems go racing through his head. It becomes a psychological
war.
The guy’s mind has served him very well in the past to get him
where he is today. Ancestrally speaking, he’s been able to identify
predators, threats, and dangers to protect himself and his tribe.
The analytical mind has its purpose. However, the problem for
intelligent people who think a lot is they think a lot! They have a
tendency to map out everything before taking action. This may cause
them to lose spontaneity and avoid doing things “in the moment” in
fear of repercussions. Such behaviors may manifest themselves in
the form of neediness, validation, and indecisiveness.
In social situations, over-analysing is a killer mistake to
make. The intelligent people try to mind-read those they are
talking to. They micro-manage their interactions based on their
analytical feedback which drives their fear and uncertainty in
conversations.
The next time you catch yourself micro-managing your
conversations and worrying about what the other person is thinking,
remember that the other person is likely to be more concerned with
what you are thinking about them. Remind yourself that you can’t
mind read and that trying to do so only creates anxiety. Live in
the moment more often and you’ll notice people naturally becoming
more attracted to you. You’ll know when you’re too careless about
other people’s thoughts regarding you when you begin to damage
relationships or hurt others.
A few last points I’d like to make on logical strength and
emotional weakness deal with conversation. We hunger for
emotionally connected conversations. We love drama, fun, and
controversy. Facts, logic, and technical subjects are often boring
and too complex. The emotional side of conversations is more
engaging to people. Academically intelligent people may focus on
logic too much. Women are especially interested in any type of
drama. Watch their eyes light up when you talk about the latest
celebrity fashion stuff-ups and other popular dramas.
Another emotional weakness, in addition to the subject of
conversations, is the vocabulary used. Academics often use
technical vocabulary to prove their intelligence – a killer of
rapport. Simple, duh-duh, language is often more effective than
technical linguistics and non-methodologically circumstantial
language that no one gives a stuff about. The same goes for writing
to keep people interested. I try to write in a casual way – similar
to how a conversation goes; not technical stuff, things, and other
types of stuff, you know? This last reason is why so many great
findings in academic journals go hidden for years – because the
general public can’t be bothered reading about it.
On that last point of being too technical for people, something
that may interest you is how some people write emails to me. Yeah I
teach communication, but that doesn’t mean being technical, using
complex vocabulary, and trying to be intelligent helps in building
rapport. You can tell the difference. One example of such a
“technical” email is: “Dear Joshua. Allow me to extend my formal
gratitude in your beautiful array of teachings…” The intent behind
such emails is great. It’s just that the person you are talking or
writing to when you trying to be intelligent doesn’t experience a
“connection” with you. Lots of organisations are hopeless in this
when handling complaints.
Let’s compare that previous example of an email with this other
example: “Hey Joshua. Thanks heaps for the articles. I’ve learned
that… You’ve helped me improve my relationship with my partner.”
Can you sense the difference? The last example is more friendly,
but not overly casual. The person in the first example who appears
intelligent doesn’t “connect” because they are too technical. Even
if you are intelligent and have a complex vocabulary, you need to
use terminology that the other person uses if you are interested in
building rapport. Don’t try and prove your intelligence. We are
interested in improving your communication skills and not boosting
your ego.
