Dear SPGs (sarong party girls):
I have a bizarre story to tell you: the opposite of the SPG
phenomenon exists on the other side of the world. I also have
some good advice for those of you who want to marry an Ang Mo,
toward the end of my column here.
As a former multiyear Singapore resident (son of an expat), I was
too young at the time to perceive the existence of the SPG
phenomenon. But now, as an adult soon to return to Singapore,
I have been studying the country intensely, and came across this
SPG thing in the literature. I almost fell out of my chair
laughing, because it's exactly the reverse here in Silicon Valley
(near San Francisco).
You see, we have a very painful excess of single 20-35-year-old
males in this area (not even including our large gay
population). As you can see from browsing local dating sites,
e.g. craigslist, males seeking females outnumber the opposite by
something like 4-to-1. The typical single Caucasian male is
an engineer making around US$100K/year. Generally, these are
honest men with good personalities. While many of them are
slobs, plenty are also very fit and dress quite well. Anyway,
it's easy to make more money by cashing in on stock options,
working overtime, or impressing the boss. But it doesn't
matter as far as dating is concerned, because the women have armies
of men from whom to choose. (A typical woman can expect
roughly 100 email responses to a photo ad requesting a date.
"Hot" women can get over 10K replies.) Worse still, it seems
like most of us agree on what we want: Asian women. I say
"worse" because this makes the competition so much more
intense.
Let me give you an example. My colleague at work is a fun,
honest man who is liked by most of his peers. Any woman
would appreciate his easygoing personality. He's also
well-built, and dresses in a way that many women would find
attractive. Finally, he's loaded -- probably worth over
US$1M. In his early thirties, he would appear to be an ideal
marriage target. While in other countries, you might expect
him to be kidnapped by gangs of single women, such is not the case
in Silicon Valley. He recently married an overweight, rather
unattractive woman who wouldn't turn a head at a party.
Granted, she is a very sweet and well-educated woman. But
this guy is prime marriage material. I would expect to see
him with one of those models you see on TV (not that he doesn't
love his wife). Without being confrontational, I asked
him about his dating history. He let me know that, while he
lusted after some other women, he knew he didn't have a chance with
them, so he gave up. The point is, his story is hardly
unique. And what about the guys who don't have his looks,
money, and cool personality? Forget it. They go home,
surf internet porn, and play video games while their bank accounts
accumulate stubstantial sums of money that will probably pay for
their medical care later in life, and not much else.
Despite the 100K+ single Caucasian male engineers around here, it's
rare to find an Asian woman married to one of them: the women
generally marry other Asians, leaving the engineers to their
miserable lives, buried in money they can hardly spend. Once
in a while, one of these men decides he cant' take it anymore, and
ditches his fat money job for an anything-that-pays-the-bills job
in Asia or South America. But by and large, they seem to stay
addicted to the money until their bodies rot by spending too much
time in front of a computer.
Now, why do you suppose we could have huge numbers of Caucasian
men interested in the small supply of Asian women, but the latter
usually end up marrying other Asians? It's not that the Asian
women don't appreciate the Caucasians' interest. It's that
the men, as truly desparate as they are, generally refuse to marry
the Asian women! The reason is that these women have grown
very aware of their coveted status over the past couple decades,
and have become, as a rule, snotty at best and outright rude at
worst. They usually ignore the polite, well-dressed men who
greet them warmly (to say nothing of the drunken fools who dare
approach). The snottier ones will often sneer at the man, as
though he was scraped off her shoe. If these women do
actually respond, they may spend an ethusiastic hour socializing
with him, only to give him a fake phone number at the end of the
night rather than to politely decline his invitation for a
date. Those few times that a date does occur, it generally
leads to nowhere because the man quickly discovers that she wants
to live a millionaire lifestyle, but is not willing to contribute
much to the bank account even though she also makes a large
salary. Marriages do happen, but they seem to be of only 2
types: (1) a wealthy engineer and a fresh-off-the-boat (FOB) Asian,
whose personality has not yet been corrupted by the snotty Asian
American female majority around here and (2) the engineer and his
highly educated but unattractive Asian wife, who married because
neither thought that they could do any better.
So I just find it amusing that the Caucasian engineers around here
are in some sense like SPGs: just as SPGs dress up, flirt
forcefully, and maybe even put on accents, in order to attract the
Ang Mos, the engineers around here (other than those who are stuck
at their keyboards 24/7) dress up, buy luxury cars, and keep
themselves fit, in order to go out to fancy bars and try their luck
at approaching the Asian women. If a guy can land one such
hot date per year, he's easily in the top 10%. He'll need to
withstand disgusted sneers, fake phone numbers, unreturned phone
calls, and plenty of women who promise to show up for a restaurant
date, but never do. In some sense, his second best outcome is
to be politely but rapidly rejected, because then he can move on
without wasting too much time. It's normal to expect to go
have to introduce oneself to 100 women in order to get a good date,
or maybe 1K to find a girlfriend.
You really don't understand what it's like unless you live here: at
midnight on a weekend, it's perfectly normal to have twice as many
men in the bar than women. Higher ratios are not at all
unusual.
The obvious solution, of course, is to increase the number of
female laborers imported into the country. But the US
immigration laws are airtight, so there's no hope for the male
engineers except to leave the area.
By the way, as hard as the Asian women are to date, the Caucasian
women do not invoke much interest from the Caucasian men.
There are a number of reasons for this: (1) like the Asians, they
seem to want equal rights (no problem there) without equal
responsibilties (big problem), (2) they generally graze on American
processed food that's rich in sugar and starch, which makes them
big mammas by the time they hit 24, (3) they tend to act less
feminine, because they think it turns them into sex objects.
As to point (3), they completely fail to see that men can
appreicate both their bodies and their brains at the same time, so
they just seem to give up on their bodies in order to emphasize
their intelligence. The men then lose interest and look to
the Asians, who are generally very attentive to both their bodies
and their brains.
On the other hand, I have observed a pleasing trend in recent
years, in which the Caucasian women are increasingly dating Asian
men. The Indians seem to be the most popular (perhaps on
account of their generally pleasant personalities and good ethics),
followed by Chinese. (It keeps society in balance, so we
Caucasian males should encourage this trend by hooking up our Asian
pals with our Caucasian female friends.)
So how about SPGs? Do they usually want to get married and
have families (big red flag for most Ang Mos), or are they willing
to date men who are dating other SPGs at the same time (which will
tend to result in sustained interest from the Ang Mo). (You
need to understand: your typical Ang Mo -- the Americans, for
starters -- have grown up in a society where half of marriages fail
in about 5 years, leaving him to make huge monthly payments to a
former wife for the rest of his life -- who might hate him at this
point, not necessarily with much justification -- while seldom
seeing the children he loves. So marriage is very scary for
him, without extremely good reason. Worse, he realizes that
Asians have giant extended families that apply all manner of
intense social and financial pressure that he is probably not
interested in bearing.) While most Ang Mos are not looking
for a different woman every night, they will tend to be most
interested in women who are willing to date them on an as-requested
basis, alternating with a small group of other candidates.
They should be willing to accept the same arrangement from
you. If they aren't, dump them because they probably won't
treat you fairly otherwise.
Now, if you're an SPG looking for a lasting marriage in financially
stable circumstances, you should consider dating a local
Singaporean. I'm not saying that Ang Mos never marry SPGs;
this is false. But the problem is that the typical Ang Mo
expat lifestyle is unsustainable: most expat assignments last a few
years at best, after which he will be sent back home to live a most
modest lifestyle. Or, he'll realize that he needs to save
much more for retirement (a common problem with middle-aged people
in the West), so he'll eventually have to cut out the excess
spending. On the other hand, the local guy who takes you to a
nice restaurant, but presents a coupon in order to lower the cost
of the meal, is probably a more financially stable partner in the
longterm. Of course, if you're just looking for fun while
you're young, then go for the fun guys willing to spend enough to
create some excitement, and enjoy. And by all means, date
across cultural lines! Just don't forget that the older you
get, the harder it will be for you to marry. That said, you
are probably better off learning how to invest in stocks or start
your own business, rather than to depend on the men of the
world. That way, you can use your youthful freedom without
worrying that you will go broke down the road.
But if you absolutely, positively insist on marrying an Ang Mo,
then you must learn to date several (up to 10) of them at the
same time (and make it clear up front that you are doing so), then
wait many months if not a few years for one of them to propose to
you. (Don't waste time proposing to him.) If an Ang Mo
can't accept your popularity, dump him. And of course, you
don't need to act like a stupid bimbo. You also don't need to
be submissive (not that it's a bad trait in a woman -- just
unnecessary). Just don't be obnoxious. Let him take the
lead in all matters romantic. If you pay a few bills from
time to time, that will leave a very good impression. (If he
doesn't let you, don't push the matter.) Find out what he
thinks is sexy about your appearance, and consistently dress in
that way (but with different outfits so as to keep things
interesting). Talk to your doctor about good nutrition and
proper exercise, and do both faithfully every single day.
Whatever you do, don't play "hard to get". In other words,
don't pretend that you're busy when you're not. If you do
that, you're likely to get many more interested men, but they will
tend to be losers who are desparate to chase you. You are
much better off making yourself available to the men who interest
you, so long as you are free from other duties. If your
availability makes him lose interest quickly, then you don't want
to marry him anyway.
A bit more on clothing: do not under any circumstances waste your
money (or his) on designer clothing. Men could not care less
whether you're wearing Chanel or WalMart, as long as you look
good. Definitely, dress attractively, but do not pay more for
a name. (You'll just look like a high-maintenance
fool.) That money belongs in your investment account, making
you rich. If a man gives you "name brand" clothes, make it
clear that you appreciate the gift (and he need not return it to
the store), but you would be just as happy with a high-quality
"noname brand". He will likely be impressed with your
practicality, and will have more money to spend on you
otherwise.
Bottom line, be courteous and honest with Ang Mos. While you
might come across as direct, Western men generally appreciate a
woman who makes her interest (or lack thereof) clear, and her
desires straightforward. If he can't deal with a polite "no,
thank you", move on.
And do not be ashamed of your Singlish or nonWestern accent!
Ang Mos who like SPGs did not travel half way around the world to
meet a woman who sounds their neighbor back in Texas. While
fluent command of the English language is always helpful, many of
us Ang Mos find your unusal accents and expressions quite
alluring! Same goes for your skin color: most of us just
don't care either way, so save money and ditch the skin whitener,
already. (In Silicon Valley, incidentally, the blacks
are the alpha males. I'm happy to see them dating the
Caucasian females in the area, since it prevents the latter from
bitching about how the "Asian women have taken our men".) Buy
a gym membership, or more organic veggies, instead!
So SPGs, please take stock of what you are willing to contribute
to, and what you desire from, you relationships. Then pursue
the men who interest you most -- with neither embarrassment nor
hesitation. These intercultural pursuits are healthy for
society!
Finally, to the Ang Mos out there like myself, I would urge you to
always be straightforward but gracious with the SPGs. Never
allow your popularity to breed arrogance, for you never know when
you might get transferred to Silicon
Valley!
Sincerely,
Ang Mo Joe
