right, so i'll give a very brief intro of my love life cause im
gonna hit the sack real soon. i'll come back to clear things up
tomorrow though.
ever since pri sch, i was attracted to this one girl, even while i
left singapore to study overseas, and came back during sec sch.
nothing really happened in pri sch but then in sec sch was where it
all started.
i was really shy back in pri sch, and then i only had the balls in
sec sch to ask her out and stuff. soon enough, we got really close,
all the way till sec 3. having late night suppers and going over to
each other's place for meals. i still remember the night when she
said she was kinda hungry at 2 am, and i said brb on msn, and
showed up at her doorstep with the food that she likes.
" omg are you crazy? i was just saying but i didn't really mean it
"
" well i am crazy, but its ok la if you don't want it i can always
bring it home and give it to someone else ( i said this in a really
joking manner, already beaming at the sight of her, i always do
this, cause i realised its easier to treat girls that i like as
friends to avoid any awkwardness )"
"come in la silly but don't make too much noise cause my bro's
sleeping"
so i stepped in and for the first time, i felt kinda nervous. no
matter how much i convinced myself that she is a friend, another
voice in my head keeps saying "omfg this is the girl that you had a
crush on since pri sch all the way till now!! its been what 5
years?". then i got kinda nervous and i was kinda quiet in her room
initially while she was eating. she broke the silence by asking if
i wanted some, and i jokingly said " only if you'd feed me ". she
rolled her eyes and fed me anyway.
so then the night ended and she walked me out to flag a cab. though
the walk was about 5 mins, many thoughts were already racing
through my head. should i pop the question? that i had longed to
ask for ages.
no.. yes.. no.. yes.. no... what if she says no? what if she says
yes? should i give her a hug? what would i do? i don't know what to
do, someone please help me.
we reached the main road and there was barely a taxi in sight. so
we started talking, about how school was like. we were from
different schools, yet we still managed to keep in contact, and
even better, become close friends. maybe a little too close, you'll
know when u read on.
" hey X, there's something i feel that you should know. i know this
is kinda sudden but i need to let you know that i'm in love with
you, ever since the day i met you in pri sch, and throughout the
time i was in the states, i was missing you, and i each day, i look
forward to coming back to singapore to see you again. when you
emailed to ask how i was doing over in usa, and you left your
number so that i could contact you when i was back, i was
overjoyed, i felt euphoric and i thought i was the luckiest boy
alive. after being through so much, i really wish that you would
give me a chance, to shower you with all the love and care that i
can provide you with. i want to spend time with you, go through
thick and thin with you, and i feel that without you, my life is
incomplete."
she looked at me with her darling eyes.
"omg, this is so unexpected.. i always thought we were really good
friends, i really loved it that way, and im really thankful that i
have you as one of my closer friends. you know i don't like
relationships, at least for now, and i haven't had one for 3 years
because i feel that i'm not ready yet. i'm... sorry."
i kinda expected that answer already, so i just smiled at
her.
"it's okay, i understand. i think you better go home now, it's
really late and i'll just wait here for a taxi."
"but you'll be alone here and i don't really see any taxis
around"
i smile at her again and say
"i'm really fine, here let me walk you back home then"
"then what about y..."
"shhhh, i'm ok so don't worry"
so i walked her all the way back to her unit, and before i left,
she said
" hey.. call me when you're home safe ok "
i smiled back
"sure"
so when i reached home, i gave her a call.
"hey i'm back home, whats up piggy?"
the awkward silence that never happens before set in again.
"oh about just now, i'm sorry and i really hope you'll give me
time, i'm just.. not ready yet"
"oh i'm fine, don't worry about it, i'm just kinda tired now and i
really wanna sleep so i'll talk to you soon."
"ah.. ok.. sweet dreams you.. "
"byee"
after i hung up, i just laid on my bed, i was devastated. that was
my first fall, and a real big one too. so then life went on
normally, and i continued pursuing her, until one day, when i asked
her the question yet another time. she said
"yknow something, i always thought that you were and still are one
of the best friends that i could ever have, and you hold a special
place in my heart. the thing is, i never want to lose you as a
friend ever. i hope you understand"
from then on, i knew we could never be together, it still haunts me
sometimes, even till now, cause i think she was the perfect one for
me. i finally gave up 2 years go after about 7 years, im 18 turning
19 this year now.
all i can say is, for most of the girls that i have really liked,
i'm always just a good friend to them. i used to and sometimes
think, why is life always so unfair, why is it so hard to find that
special someone for me. the girls that i were in a relationship
with were short, lasting only a few months, and i was never REALLY
happy with them.
now, i think i should wait for the special one for me. because, it
seems the harder i try to look for her, the further she runs away
from me.
sigh.
