By Lori Gottlieb
Its almost like a bad breakup: One of the most painful things
about dating can be losing your partner-in-crime, the person who
went with you to Saturday night movies, Sunday morning brunches,
and even family occasions. Im not talking about losing your lover.
Im talking about losing your best single friend, and while its
not quite the same as a breakup, it can leave you feeling just as
lonely and abandoned.
But just because your buddy suddenly has a significant other (whos
not, well, you) doesnt mean your friendship is doomed. In fact, if
you embrace the change, it might not only strengthen your
friendship, but help you flex some dating muscles yourself. Here
are some tips:
1. Beware the green-eyed monster. Its natural to feel like the
last man (or woman) standing when your friend the one with whom
youve shared all of your dating adventures is no longer dating.
If there were two of you, you reasoned, you werent losers, you
were pals who hadnt yet found The One. But now, your friend has
found someone special and you havent, and while youre happy for
your friend you wish it had happened to you first. Its an envy
double whammy: Not only are you jealous of your friends
relationship status, youre probably also jealous of his or her new
lover, who seems to have replaced you entirely.
Heres some advice from L.A.-based dating coach Evan Marc Katz of
www.e-cyrano.com: Make sure you separate the issues. You dont
have much choice in the matter, so better to be supportive and
happy for your friend than to let envy chip away at your
relationship, he says. Unless this pal is marrying the person of
your dreams, theres no real reason to be envious.
Need another positive way to look at the situation? Cindy Chupack,
the author of The Between Boyfriends Book: A Collection of
Cautiously Hopeful Essays (www.betweenboyfriends.com) and a former
writer on Sex and the City, suggests that instead of focusing on
the envy, Try to think of it as just more proof that love exists,
and that good single people are out there, and that maybe youre
next to find someone.
2. Get out there. Admit it: Hanging out with your single friend may
have made weekends more entertaining, but if going around
two-by-two really helped with your dating life, youd be in a
relationship right now. Being forced to fly solo, on the other
hand, might move you out of your comfort zone just enough to make
you more proactive on the dating front. Maybe youll take up a new
hobby, like salsa dancing or scuba diving, which can expose you to
potential love interests. Or, as Cindy Chupack says, the situation
might force you to find new single friends, who might lead you to
new and improved prospective dates in their social circles. And,
she adds, theres nothing wrong with stepping out alone on
occasion, since a person alone is sometimes more
approachable.
If youre not ready to venture out without your buddy just yet,
Evan Marc Katz suggests starting out with online dating. Its the
perfect way to generate your own social life without ever leaving
the house, he says.
3. You dont have to feel like the third wheel. Dont assume your
now paired-up buddy wants to leave you behind. Jennifer, 30, a
marketing manager, feels like she almost lost her single gal pal
for no reason when she found her special guy. When I met my
boyfriend, she says, my best friend started avoiding me. She said
she didnt want to be the third wheel, but the truth is, I needed
her as much as she needed me. It makes sense: Sure, your friend
may be spending a lot of time with his or her significant other,
but outside friendships are important to the paired-up, too. Its
not like I want to spend every waking moment with my boyfriend,
Jennifer says. Besides, theres not that much difference between
being single and dating. You still want to talk to your best friend
about whats going on in your lifeboth in and out of the
relationship.
Patty, 34, a single recruiter whose close friend recently got into
a relationship, suggests reserving a special night just for girl
time. This way, she says, resentment doesnt build and you wont
feel like youre always having to hang with her and the
boyfriend.
And while you probably wont be spending as much one-on-one time
with your formerly single friend, Evan Katz advises letting go of
expectations that nothing is going to change. The reality is that
most relationships change over time and this way, he says, you
wont be disappointed by the new arrangements.
4. Talk about it. Dont bottle up those feelings of abandonment and
resentment. Then again, dont lash out, either! David, a
35-year-old newlywed lawyer, says that both friends should talk
about how awkward they feel instead of pretending nothings wrong.
My best buddy had to act like he was happy for me, but I knew he
was miserable inside, David says. And I had to pretend I didnt
know he was miserable, because I thought it would make him feel
worse if I called him on not being happy for me. Once David had
the courage to talk openly with his friend about what was really
going on, not only did their friendship get stronger, but they both
felt relieved that they could be themselves and express themselves
around each other again.
5. Take advantage of the benefits. Instead of wallowing in feelings
of loneliness, adopt a new perspective. Dating coach and author
Evan Marc Katz says he doesnt mind so much when a good friend gets
into a relationship because he realizes theres a potential pay-off
for him. Having a friend whos part of a couple could potentially
double your social circlebecause you now have this persons
friends as part of your life as well, he says. And Patty, the
recruiter, sees another advantage: Your friend, she says, has been
through all the hassles of the dating game and now shes working
through the typical issues in a relationship. So you can learn from
your pals dating experience and put those lessons to use as you
go through your own dating dilemmas, too.
While watching your best single buddy get paired up can be hard, if
you put the advice above into action, it can wind up being a
positive experienceboth for you as a single person and for your
friendship, too.
Lori Gottlieb
(www.lorigottlieb.com) is the co-author of I Love You, Nice to Meet
You: A Guy and a Girl Give the Lowdown on Coupling Up.
Source - Original article
