School girls gossiping, back biting,...giving each other the
silent treatment...we all recognise this as unpleasant
behavior.
But is it turning into something more serious?
Parents and teachers have tended to dismiss it as childish and
typical "girly" behaviour.
Now educators and counselors are urging us to re examine our
responses.
Devika Misra tells us why.
The traditional school bully used to be a scowling overweight
boy.
He would grab somebody else's lunch or trip up a skinny
classmate.
That image no longer holds true.
Today's school bully is likely to be pretty, popular, skinny ,
smiling....yes,... she is a girl.
Educators and counselors say that aggression among girls is on
the rise.
Dr Carol Balhatchet is the Director for Youth services at
Singapore's Children's Society.
"Bullying comes with girls and boys but lately its been more in
girls. Girls are bolder, girls are now not talking it out, not
communicating their issues where previously boys can't communicate
their issues so they used aggression to resolve their problems now
it appears girls are doing the same thing. With girls it now
jealousy, they feel that their boyfriend is noticing the other girl
and not noticing them then they resort to bullying."
Despite this, the problem among girls is going largely
unchecked.
And that's because its a hard-to-define issue.
Traditionally gossiping, back biting and smear campaigns are not
regarded as bullying.
A mistake says Rachel Simmons.
She is the author of Odd Girl Out:The Hidden culture of
Aggression in Girls.
"If you look at bullying as something thats physical then, no
you aren't going to see what girls are doing as hurtful but thats
of course part of the problem because what we have done for many
years is look at what girls do as a rite of passage or a
developmental phase because it doesn't meet the traditional
definition of bullying. Most girls are unlikely to push someone
against a wall . Most understanding of bullying are very male
focused and they focus on the physical aggression at the hand of
someone you don't know very well. Actually bullying is much more
than being physically hurt or even openly hurt, there are many
other ways that this happens."
The ways in which this happens among girls, Ms Simmons says can
be far more hurtful and have a longer-term impact.
It is also less easy to directly punish and control....it
involves that tricky grey area...feelings.
"Girls are going to behave in ways that are inclined to destroy
relationships, destroy social status and just generally speaking
make ones social life miserable. The silent treatment is really
very powerful so if I'm upset with you instead of telling you I'm
just not going to speak to you anymore. Another example would be
using the relationship as a weapon. A very common thing that
happens between girls is lets say you're friends with two people
who don't really like each other so one of those people says well
its either her or me and thats a kind of blackmail, emotional
blackmail so instead of hitting someone you are using your
relationship as a weapon."
But surely this has been an age old problem.
Why is it being taken so seriously now?
Dr Balhatchet has the answer.
"Unlike previously now bullying can take a more sensational
stand because of the easy access to the Internet and blogging and
Facebook which has a mass reach so a lot of the bullying comes with
saying nasty things or intimidation on their blogs or on the Net.
The perpetrator is able to recruit a whole lot more support by
going on the Net."
Since the impact of bullying is now much wider and can involve
complete strangers being let into the personal problem of a victim
its is regarded as more dangerous and far reaching than before.
Ms Simmons says the Internet is the new school bathroom wall but
it's more all pervasive.
"The biggest different is technology. It used to be that kids
went to school and then they went home and there was a pretty clear
boundary between school and home you had your telephone to
communicate but that was pretty much it. Now kids are on a twenty
four hour news and gossip cycle that comes through their cell
phones and computers, they're re hooked into each other in a pretty
powerful way which both allows them to be connected but also gives
them the tools to lash out at some of those connections when they
are upset. So cyber bullying, the use of technology to humiliate or
harass someone has really exploded as more and more technology has
been put into the hands of younger people."
So what are the solutions?
Parents and teachers... wake up please says Ms Simmons.
This is more than just fickle behaviour.
For one.... put the brakes on technology.
Moms need to tell their daughters, "If you feel you cant say it
to her face do NOT sms it to her or anyone else.
Parents need to take away the cell phone temporarily and tough
out the hysterical tantrum that will inevitably follow.
Do not always believe that homework can't be done without the
computer, it often can.
But the longer term solution is more difficult to enforce.
It involves a change of social norms and expectations.
Girls should not always be expected to be "nice" Ms Simmon
says.
"The first countries to solicit translations of my book were
Asian countries and I think theres not a coincidence there. I think
traditional Asian families put a lot of pressure on daughters to
behave in ways that might not be realistic; to be quieter than boys
are expected to be, to be nicer than boys are expected to be so the
more pressure we put on boys not to speak their minds and not to
express their natural anger and upset in healthy ways the more
we're going to see them take their feelings underground behind
people's back and online."
Ms Simmons says even when women grow up to be more empathetic
and less hurtful to others they often have problems expressing
themselves directly in both their personal and professional
relationships.
Dr Balhatchet agrees that the long term solution will not be a
quick fix.
Raising awareness through what she calls emotional education of
both girls as well as their parents and teachers, is the only thing
that will work.
She says that Bullying is now being seen in younger children, it
can begin as early as Primary two and at least three to four out of
every ten have been impacted.
--938Live
