It is frustrating, and I am not proud of what is going on in my
head.
Yesterday in order to cut costs, I contacted an acquaintance
whose voice I vaguely recall as similar to that of my ex-boss, and
I had a superficial yet on certain levels intimate conversation
with her .. i do not know how she pulled that off either.. while
having the imagine of Angela Zhang in front of me, and then I
fantasized that I asked her out for a rock concert and we had a
great time.
The irony of course, as per all wretched dreams, is that we went
to a concert starring Angela Zhang, and I asked the real Angela at
backstage for her signature. And I got confused seriously, when I
noticed in my fantasy that the real Angela looks horrible without
makeout compared to the imaginery one.. the
acquaintance… whom I was imagining to be… dating that
evening.
No, no sex. But I recall staring at my friend’s boobs
lecherously and I forgot mentally which face was it above the
torso.
All these occurred because of austere cost cutting measures.
Because I cannot stand the notion of buying a escort to a
hotel with $1k on credit, and then having to reason with myself
morally and ethically whether is this a vice or am I indirectly
stimulating an economy depressed by the recent Japanese nuclear
crisis, and hence doing good instead.
The point is, I am living the life of a refugee already, called
nicely as mobile workhorse, every morning I shuffle from one corner
of Singapore to another for a seemingly meaningless
survival-related activity… and I do not really mind being a
refugee.. mobile workhorse, as many SIngaporeans who chose the path
of Property, Insurance, and Financial Advisors can empathise with.
What matters to me is that still, the belief of something Higher
lives in me, and when the ocean levels rise by 5 cm
this judgemental doomsday May 2011 (yet another new
deadline after a dozen of hoaxes)… yes.. I wish to be on the
moral side, to be on the ark, even if I am just a cute purplish
pink giraffe and not holy Noah and wife ;`(
My case? Look, I fought, I sinned before, I confessed in as many
ways thinkable, I now imagined I fucked an unmarried woman, but I
did not really fuck her. Please stop testing my patience despite
Your love for me. Now, you buy me my employment, one enough to
sustain an extended livelihood, and do charity, and to my
mother I will buy her a daughter-in-law, to my friends I buy them a
wife, for myself I buy a financial controller and tax regulator,
and shall we just work together to move forward…
… You know I am stuck.
Because when I signed up for this job, this life, I am
vaguely aware that forward is not an option.. since we are talking
about androids and disaster movies… but backward is also
not an options… since we are talking about wars, prostituion,
children born out of the wedlock and abandoned or sold as beggars.
We are merely making differences each day, each moment, one at a
time, with complete understanding that the difference does not
suggest anything good or bad. Just differences.
Differences can mean creating more discriminations so that we
have more reconcilliation. Or anything. Just, anything. “Nothing”
is also “something”.
Screw english. Screw WHOEVER LIVES IN THE
CLOUDS.