Perhaps my thoughts are better kept a secret, but “this too will
pass” sometimes beat everything hands down.
I am in a passing phase, and I know it. Every guy takes a tumble
of some sort, and sometimes when I really tumble, like today, I
find myself visiting a massage palour where I pay $120 for a
chitchat, a hug, and .. I told the girl, today no need to help me
masturbate. I will not go into details about whether is a masseur a
vice, a profession or a value-service, to me it is just like the
pirated CD shop which I visited 10 years ago as a poor student. I
could not afford to buy original games, was the excuse. The police
will come and put the poor gals back to China or suspend their
license, but they will not do it, because … shutting down CD shops
only made Bittorrent hotter. It just won’t work.
Still.. between a Singapore University undergrad social escort
going to the hotel, and a massage palour where the masseur is a
Singapore part-timer who works and studies for a Accountancy
degree, I can only afford the latter, since no sex is allowed in
the spa center, just handjobs.
You know the thing is, who cares if you are an fulltime or
parttime undergrad by day? In the darkness, I am not supposed to
make friends with you. Just get the job done and go.
Yet, these are the darkness points of my life, and they are
there to tide me through.
I remind myself that these are women, not sex objects. Yet, the
pretence I put up in front of my family in a 3-room flat, is
tremendously draining. I will not send my daughter into that sort
of a job, yet.. this is not the first time I went, and I know there
will never be a last. And I know that one day, my daughter may have
to work there if I cannot afford her school fees.
Because the world knew prostitution before they knew
textbooks.
I quit my religion months ago when I knew this is going to
happen. Still, the remnants of a promise resonates in me… I want to
protect women. Mothers, wives, daughters, sisters.
It is amazing that the last time I tried to hire sex, also a
Singaporean tertiary student, I pulled my penis out at the last
juncture. This would not do, I told myself. I want a wife, and I
will not settle for something substandard. Yet, the rule of the
thumb is that I screwed another woman, and I cannot lie to my
future wife, if any, that I was really that innocent… that, I am a
true virgin. By definition, I just did not ejaculate at the last
juncture in a woman, but the dick did go in. I gave it away.
It is just like the question of when is abortion considered
killing a life. The catholics, christians, muslims, and buddhists,
all have their own languages.
Yet, no yet.
Call it anything you like.
I just did not see the women as objects of lust. The girl I
hugged today, whom I have met four times since last December, is
just somebody I found starkingly familiar. She looked like my
ex-boss, and everytime I met her, I just asked myself, why are you
doing there mdm? I loved you, you fought for me the high salary in
my previous job even though I could not deliver enough in my
duties, why are we reversing roles such that I am giving u.. or
someone who reminds me of u… the very money in exchange for
the emotions i once showered u with?
Or in other words, I did not want the girl to strip for me. I
just wanted to give her money.
There is a hidden message that somehow suggests that.. my mother
did not want a cent from me either. She just wanted me to do what
she and dad did. Provide for the present and next generation, it
does not matter how I achieve it. Whether by hook or crook, it is
the animal instinct that keeps generations going, one after
another.
I suddenly dawned on me that one day I may need to marry a
Piseces girl. Or a girl born in the year of the Rabbit. Or a
Taurus. Or a Snake. Or a Cancerian. Or a virgo. And it’s because
these were people who gave me everything I had in this life. Or..
it simply makes no sense. Yet, I understand what I have to do this
life.
I just wish there was a bullet I can bite onto and maybe
complain less. Damn clones.