WHILE researching elderly Chinese living in sheltered housing in
Britain, I was struck by how often daughters-in-law were rendered
invisible.
They did not feature in family photo albums nor were they talked
about, except negatively, which is probably why these older Chinese
were living on their own.
Why, I wonder, would this generation of women, who had suffered
the wrath of their own mothers-in-law, treat their daughters-in-law
so unkindly?
It transpired that before our marriage, my husband told his
parents in no uncertain terms where I, his wife-to-be, would stand
in the event of any future conflict.
And I, from as soon as I was able to, had been preparing my son
for life away from mum and dad (that is, be able to cook and
clean), just as my parents-in-law had my husband. I wrote to them
soon after we were married, thanking them for bringing up their son
so brilliantly.
Clearly we are talking about different patterns of relating
between generations, and in many ways, between cultures. The
cultural shift in residential patterns had been immense in less
than two generations: from new brides (especially of eldest sons)
living with their parents-in-law, to young couples starting married
life in new homes (leaving ageing parents to single siblings), to
widowed or sickly parents moving in with daughters instead of
sons.
There is no longer a norm but a question of pragmatic
arrangements.
Of course, my mother-in-law and I have differences. However,
because she treats me with utmost respect, I reciprocate. And
whenever I find her 'annoying', I remember that she is the woman
who made my husband what he is, for which I must be eternally
thankful.
Filial piety manifests itself in different ways. We come from
very different experiences of language, education, history and,
yes, family conflict. It is futile to expect a one-size-fits-all
solution.
However, if we must be prescriptive, I would venture that the
flipside of filial piety is respect. And respect - mutual respect -
cannot be imposed.
Dr Lee Siew Peng
Middlesex, England
