Jokes, Puns and Funny Pics/Quotes etc III

last SG · 2002-12-26T12:59:22+00:00

I was in the kitchen one day, trying to reach the baking powder on the top shelf of a cabinet. Being only five feet tall, I had to stretch, but still couldn'...

Xavier SG

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves when the
little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that
hole."

The grandfather smiles. "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.
It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can
of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff
as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather, impressed with his grandson's ingenuity, hands
him five dollars ... then grabs the hair spray and runs into the
house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands
the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five
dollars?"
The grandfather replies, "Yes, I know. But that's from your
grandma!"

Xavier SG

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo,
and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is
good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling
of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as
the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all
know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest
and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Xavier SG

An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an
island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when
they picked it up, a genie rushed out.

Oh masters, he said. For releasing me from this bottle you will
each have one wish.

The American said: I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of
beautiful girls in Waikiki beach. Whoosh, the American was gone
to Hawaii.

The Australian said: I wish to be in a casino in the Australian
Gold Coast. Whoosh, and off he went.

The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time,
he said: Gee, it's very lonely here on this island. I wish my
friends were back here!

Xavier SG

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.

Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!

Xavier SG

> > Two Singh went into a pub and after ordering two beers took some
> > sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them.
> > "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub-owner.
> > So the two sardars swapped their sandwiches.
> > -------------------------------------------------
> > Banta Singh finished his English exam and came out.
> > His friends asked him how did he do his exam, for that he replied
> > "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought,
> > thought and at last I wrote THUNK!!!"
> > ----------------------------------------------
> > Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final
>examination.
> > He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question
paper
> > for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off
>and
> > throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws
it
> > away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.
> > The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
> > "Oye, I am only following the instructions, yaar," he says, "it says
> > here, 'Answer the following questions in brief'.
> > ---------------------------------------------
> > Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like
> > hell. So the other asked, "Why are you crying?"
> > The first one replied, "I came here for blood test"
> > Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid ?"
> > First one replied, " No, not that. During the blood test they cut my
> > finger"
> >
> > Hearing this the second one started crying & screaming.
> > The first one was astonished and asked other, "Why are you crying?"
> > The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."
> > ---------------------------------------------
> > A Singh goes to a hotel and eats heartily.
> > After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin
> > instead.
> > The manager comes running and asks him, "Mr. Singh, what are you
>doing?"
> > To this the man replies,"Oye, see the board here, "Wash Basin".
> > ----------------------------------------------
> > One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America.
> > A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing?"
> > Singh answered, " No, I am Banta Singh."
> > Another guy came and asked the him the same question.
> > Singh answered, "No! No! Me Banta Singh!"
> > A third one came and asked him the same question again.
> > Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
> > While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun.
> > He went up to him and asked,
> > "Are you Relaxing?"
> > The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am
> > relaxing."
> > The Singh slapped him on his face and said, "Stupid, idiot. Everyone
is
> > looking for you and your are sitting over here!"
> > ----------------------------------------------------
> > A Singh died and went to heaven.
> > When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules
were
> > in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain
> > admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
> >
> > 1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
> > 2. How many seconds are there in a year?
> > The Singh thought for a few! minutes and answered...
> > 1.. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and
>Tomorrow.
> > 2.. There are 12 seconds in a year.
> > Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even
> > though t's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds
in
>a
> > year?"
> > The Singh replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,
etc..."
> > Saint Peter opens the gate without another word.
> > ----------------------------------------------------
> > Jasmeet Kaur caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all
> > around his living room.
> > Jasmeet: "What are you searching for?"
> > Santa: "Hidden cameras!"
> > Jasmeet: "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras in
> > here?"
> > Santa: "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why, every few
> > minutes e keeps saying,
> > 'You are watching the Star World channel'.
> > How does he know that?"

Xavier SG

A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of
friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband
when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed
in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the
bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

"Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

Xavier SG

"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find
what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to
decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All
the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and
without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it
long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends
continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here
have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so,
knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have
it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in
when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering
what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

On the fifth floor they find a sign that reads: "There are no men
here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to
please a woman."

Xavier SG

A Little Alien Sex

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.

"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.

"Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.

As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"

"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

Xavier SG

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his
teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were
five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun,
how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the
way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were
three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking
her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was
sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the
cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her
finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

Xavier SG

Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach.
The girl lobster suggested that the boy lobster go get them an
ice cream cone.

Having purchased two cones, Mr Lobster made his way back to the
beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he
had finished the ice cream, he realized that his girlfriend's
had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and
ended up eating it too.

When he arrived back at the beach Ms Lobster exclaimed "Where's
my ice cream cone?

"Well", he said. "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I
ate that too."

She was incensed and cried "You shellfish bastard!!"

Xavier SG

I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy..I'd have
nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said ...."Come on over,
there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the
other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging
naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"
He said, "Because you came home early."

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came
off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox the cat
kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
toaster and a radio.

I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She
told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid
who came with his wallet.

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and
said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we
could... But he pulled through."

I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness - after I was
born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to
help me find my parents. I said to him .... "Do you think we'll
ever find them?"

He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can
hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how
big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor "Doctor, every morning when I get up and
look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with
me?" he said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some
rest.

jAnY SG

Once there were twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, 'I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.'

Joe, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, 'Heck no, fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish.

She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle.'

The old lady fainted.

CloneMe72 SG

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about two seconds to say,

"Gimme a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant."

The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed,

"Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant."

CloneMe72 SG

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he could not tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,

"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.

"Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

"The Indians are collecting wood like crazy." the weatherman replied.

CloneMe72 SG

For parents of newborns... you don't have to understand what they are saying anymore... just apply the below.

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.

CloneMe72 SG

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain. My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone. I turned to my husband and asked,

"Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"

With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, "Ma'am, he's not THAT sick!"

CloneMe72 SG

Your Tax dollars at work

Once upon a time the government had a vast ammo dump in the middle of a secret location in Singapore.

Govt said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job. Then Govt said, "

"How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning position and hired two (2) people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11. Then Govt said,

"How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Q. C. position and hired two (2) people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then Govt said,

"How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two (2) people. Then Govt said,

"Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative position and hired three (3) people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08. Then Govt said,

"We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost,"

So they laid off the night watchman.

CloneMe72 SG

Long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became frantic! Captain Bravo bellowed,

"Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the captain,

"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

"If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." The captain replied.

All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted,

"Get me my brown pants."

CloneMe72 SG

Why Star Wars is better than Titanic

* The Titanic is big, but it does not have hyper-drive.

* Yoda could have used the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.

* Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material. Rose is just marriage bait.

* Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.

* It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a light-saber as opposed to a handgun.

* Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.

* We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people & blows up planets for fun.

* Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing? *Note: Is this a scary premonition: Anakin DeCaprio?

* Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.

* There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.

* If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.

* Nothing has the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."

* Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.

* Han Solo would have steered clear of that stinking iceberg!

* We knew the boat was going to sink. But who could have anticipated Vader saying, "Luke... I am your father"?

* Storm-troopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a minor character.

* When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a fool of himself at the Oscars.

* Titanic morals: 1) gamble, 2) cheat on your husband, 3) pose nude for pictures, 4) premarital sex is OK if you're infatuated, 5) let undesirables drown.
Star Wars morals: 1) fight evil, 2) do good, 3) respect all life even if it's ugly and slithers, 4) rescue princess, 5) save planet.

CloneMe72 SG

Primate Committee Thinking Experiment
(Don't try this with your own apes.)

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.

After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result-all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

Turn off the cold water.

If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.
Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a New one.

The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous Newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.

Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

"Because that's the way it's always been around here."

Sound familiar?

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