Jokes galore!

last SG · 2002-07-02T13:05:58+00:00

[color=indigo]Once there was this little catepillar who was walking to town. Then he walked past his neighbour the bees. The bees were also driving out to to...

Xavier SG

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with
their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order
him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out,
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Xavier SG

A young man took a blind date to an amusement park.

They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.

"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.
"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy,
then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he
had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked,
"What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Wousy!" said the girl.

Xavier SG

A couple had been married for twelve years when they mutually agreed to end it
and get divorced. After the divorce was granted, that same day, as they stood facing
each other for what could be the last time, the hubby asked the wife if she would
mind him asking one last question. "Not at all, go right ahead," she replied.

"Well, their is one thing that has always bother me. We have 5 kids with brown hair but
the youngest one, little Jimmy, has blonde hair. So, please tell me, whose kid is Jimmy?"

"I just can't tell you. The answer would hurt you too much." she replied.
"I'll be fine. Now that we're divorced, finding out whoever Jimmy came from can't hurt me too much."

"Well, if it's that important to you...Jimmy is your child."

Xavier SG

Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.

Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.

Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.

Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.

Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.

Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

Xavier SG

SNAKE & BUNNY

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there
lived
an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. A
surprising
coincidence was that both were blind from Birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest,
and
the snake was slithering through the forest, when
the
bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This,
of
course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I
didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since
birth,
so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since
I'm
also an orphan, I don't ev en know what I am."

"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually,
my
story is much the same as yours. I, too, have
been
blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.

Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over
you,
and figure out what you are, so at least you'll
have
that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.
So
the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said,
"Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have
really
long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft
cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," crie d the bunny in
total
joy.

Then the bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I
could
feel you with my paw, and help you the same way
you've
helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked,
"Well, you are smooth, cold, and you have a forked
tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you
must
be
either a politician, an attorney, or possibly
someone
in upper management."

Xavier SG

Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to
visit a church and confess all of his sins.
When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and
spoke to the pastor. "Father, I am sinful.
"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years
and nothing serious ever happened between us.
Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for
her sister. We were alone and I slept with her.
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was
around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody
was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too"

"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realized that there was no
response from the Father, he walked over
and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he went searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table ...
behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

Xavier SG

And God Created The Woman

He was so pleased with his creation that he calls in three of his top advisors:
His chief Carpenter, His Chief Tailor, and His Chief Architect.

He presents his creation to his Chiefs and asks them for suggestions and comments.

The Carpenter says:
"Too many forms, you need to straighten things out, flatten it out."
God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"

Then the Tailor says:
"Too many strings (hair) sticking out, you need to trim them."
God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"

Then the Architect says:
"Wonderful creation, absolutely superb, but next time,
please do not place the toilets next to the reception room"

Xavier SG

Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer: Adam
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower
concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties:
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties:
a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses:
a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests:
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution:
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
b) Illegal to possess more than one.

Xavier SG

Johnny (age Cool comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon.
His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then
he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of
Johnny so they ask Johnny.

"How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?"

He replies "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets
from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k."

His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses
if you and Betty have a baby?"

Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."

Hershey SG

A man was sick and tired of going to work
every day while his wife stayed home. He
wanted her to see what he went through so
he prayed:

Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put
in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a
woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
awakened the kids, set out their school clothes,
fed them breakfast packed their lunches, drove
them to school, came home and picked up the dry
cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped
the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,
then drove home to put away the groceries,
paid the bills and balance the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P. M. and he hurried to make
the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep
and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick
up the kids and got into an argument with them on the
way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids
organized to do their homework, then set up the
ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables
for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh
beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen,
ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids,
and put them to bed.

At 9 P. M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores
weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected
to make love which he managed to get through without
complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the
bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay
home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

God answered: "Glad you have learned your lesson and
I will be happy to change things back to the way they
were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night."

Don't you just love it?

Hershey SG

A guy says, "For our Twentieth Anniversary,
I'm taking my wife to Australia."

His friend says, "That's going to be tough to beat.
What are you going to do for your Twenty-fifth Anniversary?"

The first guy says, "I'm going to go back and get her."

Xavier SG

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message
to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims,
I don't have money, but I will do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"

To that the man asks, "Anything??"
And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"
With that, the man says, "Follow me."

He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
She does.
He then says, "Get on your knees."
She does.
He then says, "Take down my zipper."
She does.
He then says, "Go ahead, take it out."
With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.
The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello...Mom?"

Xavier SG

This man walks in a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey Joe, how about fixing me
up
with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?"

Joe says, "Well hell, what's the matter?"
The Man says, "Well, my son has just come home from college and I found out he's
gay."
Joe says, "Man that's terrible," and gives the man his whiskey and beer.

Two weeks go by and the same man goes to the bar... He walks in and says, "Hey
Joe,
how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?"

Joe says, "Well hell, what's the matter this time?"
The man says, "Well my other boy just come home from college and I found out
that HE'S gay."
Joe says, "Man, that's a damn shame," and fixes him up with the beer and
whiskey.

Three weeks go by and the man comes bursting through the doors and says, "Joe,
I want you to fix me up with every f*cking drink you got in the house!"
Joe says, "Geez, doesn't anyone in your family love women?"

The man says, "Yeah, I just found out my wife does..."

Hershey SG

Sign in a high-rise condo: Do under others as you would have them do under you

Sign outside a school: Stay in school and be up to know-good

Good heavens, Mother! cried the son when he saw the aged woman scrubbing the floor.
Have you gone off the rocker?

A mother hen who had difficulty keeping her stubborn chick in line declared:
If your daddy could see you now, he would turn over in his gravy!

Xavier SG

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchical
society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again.
She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up...
I'm two miles past my stop already!"

Xavier SG

Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time
checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will
always catch men checking out other women.

It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay,
You don't see straight men dancing together.

Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary.
You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards
the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds
and lowering it themselves.

Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the
responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to:
sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it.
Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for
Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.)

Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality.
Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.

Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are.
That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

Xavier SG

Abe’s son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face. “Dad, you’ll be so proud of me,” he said, “I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home!” “Oy Vey!” said Abe, “You could have run behind a taxi and saved $20.00!”

Xavier SG

If your wife doesn’t feel well, gentlemen, do what I do to speed her recovery—offer to help with the housework. If you don’t think there’s such a thing as a miracle recovery, you ought to see my wife get well again every time I start to vacuum the windows.

Xavier SG

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate, and asked, “Why are you eating grass?”“We don’t have no money for food,” the first man replied. “Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” insisted the lawyer.”But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here.”“Bring them along!” replied the lawyer.”But how ‘bout my friend?” The lawyer turned to the other man and said, “You come with us, too.”“But, sir,” said the friend, “I got a wife and six kids!” “Bring them as well!” answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the poor fellows says: “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall.”

Xavier SG

Young Son:”Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Asia a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?Dad:”That happens in most countries, son.”

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