by K.K. Cheow (with thanks to
Maomao2)
Singapore has declared the recent outbreak of people performing
oral sex to be an epidemic, and is taking immediate remedial
action. Said Ministry of Health spokesman Dr. Fillay Teo, We have
learned from SARS how dangerous an orally-transmitted disease can
be. So were not taking any chances with Sexual Oral Relations
Syndrome (SORS).
Tan Tock Seng Hospital and Singapore General Hospital have both
been put on blue alert, and emergency crews all have protective
masks on to prevent them from suckumbing to SORS.
The following symptoms are believed to be signs of SORS, and anyone
who believes they have contracted it should report immediately to
the Communicable Disease Centre at TTSH:
1) Oral temperature of more than 69 degrees Fahrenheit
2) Recent travel to Singapore or any of its police posts
3) Recent contact with any 16 year old chicks with big mouths
No one is sure how or where SORS began, said Dr. Teo. Some
believe it jumped from cats to humans, when a 16 year old sex
kitten performed fellatio on a police sergeant. Others believe it
came through the ingestion of infected suckling pigs.
There was panic amongst parents as the Ministry of Education banned
all students from sucking on their pencils, fingers, thumbs, etc.
during classes, causing results to plunge.
As Convent of the Holy Cow Girl School student Ai Kou Jiao told our
reporter, "If I don't suck on something, I sure fall asleep during
class."
Meanwhile, the World Healthy Oral Relations Examination Society
(WHORES) has declared Singapore to be a sucky destination.
MOH has implemented a nationwide campaign to educate the public on
the dangers of SORS. The public is advised to cover their mouths
throughout the day with protective masks except during meal times
until we are off WHORES' SORS list.
Ice cream companies such as Marigold, Haagen Daz and Walls are
withdrawing all popsicles to prevent unnecessary sucking by the
public. IMH, IMCB and NUS have also been tasked to research the use
of pacifiers by babies, which is suspected of causing a desire to
suck to persist into teen and adulthood.
However, unlike SARS, SORS has had some economic benefits.
Supermarkets like Carrefour have reported a fourfold rise in sales
of sausages, especially German ones, with the bulk of customers
reported as being housewives, tais tais, sarong party girls, male
members of the local theatre community and even some civil
servants.
The Gahmen is urging people not to over-react or criticize official
actions, in case this has a negative impact on our economy and
tourism. In particular, it is curbing the media to ensure a
reduction in the number of wagging tongues. Said Dr. Teo, When it
comes to orally transmitted conditions, Singapore believes its
best to keep your mouth shut.