by Kway Png
Ah Meng, Singapores orangutan darling, was charged in court
yesterday for performing oral sex, which Singapores Penile Code
deems an offence against nature punishable with a possible sentence
of life imprisonment.
Ah Meng had allegedly performed the act on fellow orangutan Ah Seng
in front of dozens of tourists, many of whom felt so shocked that
they took plenty of photographs.
Said tourist Buddy Redneck, visiting from Texas, It aint the kind
of stuff ya see on National Gee-yo-graphic, but ah guess its
still, whatchucallit, edjewcashunal. Ah think we can all learn from
Ah Mengs act.
Especially my wife, he added. When it comes to giving a hummer,
the bitch totally sucks at it.
Meanwhile, Singapore Zoological Gardens spokesperson Mrs. Anne
Nirmal said, We were completely blown away by the news that Ah
Meng had been caught giving a blow job.
Ah Meng is pleading not guilty to the act, saying she was merely
cleaning her palate after a particularly distasteful breakfast with
some tourists. Said Ah Mengs lawyer, Simian Counsel Hairy Elias,
Ah Meng avers that she was so disgusted from having to kiss some
chao ang mor tourists ass throughout breakfast that she needed
something strong to take away the taste. She simply reached for the
nearest source of liquid, which coincidentally happened to be her
enclosure-mate.
Ah Meng is now out on bail of $50,000, which the Zoo paid
immediately. Said the Zoos Mrs. Nirmal, It was expensive, but
worth it. Ah Meng is a national treasure, and we didnt want her to
get stuck in remand. Anyway, when it comes to oral sex, being with
the police is not necessarily the safest place, especially after
that sergeants case.
Ah Meng says, however, that she does not fear the upcoming trial,
nor the possible custodial sentence. Said her lawyer Mr. Elias,
Look, shes been raised in a zoo all her life. Why should she be
scared of being behind bars?
Meanwhile, rumours continued to circulate that on hearing the news,
pop superstar Michael Jackson expressed interest in purchasing Ah
Meng for his private zoo to keep his pet chimpanzee Bubbles
company. Mr. Jackson was quoted to have said, Now that Im
involved in my own sexual perversity trial, someone else needs to
blow Bubbles.