NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and
Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria,
Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out
for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat
Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil,
Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only
for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will
actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their
check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom-a
toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel
from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical
woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most
of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she
needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man
waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a
soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks
good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is
packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of
course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less
lane.
SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put
on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry
her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to
work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will
kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear
the same pair of shoes all day.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but
when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go
shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone,
read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings,
funerals.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A
man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will
do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a
dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of
clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful
women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of
old episodes of "Love, American Style."
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about
her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games
and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears
and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people
living in the house.
