Dear _______________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition
was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such
as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come
available. So that you may find better success in your future
romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following
reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
1. ___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,
hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
2. ___ Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I
can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
3. ___ The fact that our first dining experience to date has left
MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
4. ___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the
truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something
other than my personality.
5. ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20
questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about
myself.
6. ___ Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on
your hands!
7. ___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my
pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
8. ___ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably
be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
9. ___ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition
from trying to kiss you.
10. ___ You have a hairy back.
11. ___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily
unappealing.
12. ___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an
inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
13. ___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in
conversation.
14. ___ You still live with your parents.
15. ___ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of
Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
16. ___ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to
suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
17. ___ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am
seeking in a long term partner.
18. ___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you
should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches,
please resubmit your application.
19. ___ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your
overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business
trip.
20. ___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next
time.
Sincerely, _________________________________
