Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?
A: Well, you see, back in the early
1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for
Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped
being Communists and started being capitalists like
us.
Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and
started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans
become capitalists?
A: Don't be a smart-ass.
Q: I didn't think I was being one... was I?
A: Well, anyway, they also don't have
freedom of religion in Cuba.
Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
A: I told you, stop saying bad things
about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a
military coup, so he's not really a legitimate
leader anyway.
Q: What's a military coup?
A: That's when a military general takes
over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free
elections like we do in the United States.
Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military
coup?
A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh,
yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.
Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is
illegitimate?
A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was
illegitimate.
Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by
forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an
illegitimate leader?
A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf
is our friend, because he helped us invade
Afghanistan.
Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?
A: Because of what they did to us on
September 11th.
Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men
? fifteen of them Saudi Arabians ? hijacked four airplanes and flew
three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000
Americans.
Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men
were trained, under the oppressive rule of the
Taliban.
Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off
people's heads and hands?
A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not
only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed
women, too.
Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million
dollars back in May of 2001?
A: Yes, but that money was a reward
because they did such a good job fighting drugs.
Q: Fighting drugs?
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in
stopping people from growing opium poppies.
Q: How did they do such a good job?
A: Simple. If people were caught growing
opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut
off.
Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for
growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads
and hands off for other reasons?
A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical
Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers,
but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing
bread.
Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi
Arabia?
A: That's different. Afghanistan was
ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced
them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by
stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.
Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?
A: No, Saudi women merely wear a
traditional Islamic body covering.
Q: What's the difference?
A: The traditional Islamic covering worn
by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all
of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on
the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that
covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and
fingers.
Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.
A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan
and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.
Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th
were from Saudi Arabia?
A: Yes, but they trained in
Afghanistan.
Q: Who trained them?
A: A very bad man named Osama bin
Laden.
Q: Was he from Afghanistan?
A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too.
But he was a bad man, a very bad man.
Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
A: Only when we helped him and the
mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the
1980s.
Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald
Reagan talked about?
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet
Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections
and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.
Q: So the Soviets ? I mean, the Russians ? are now our
friends?
A: Well, not really. You see, they were
our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but
then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad
at them. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they
didn't help us invade Iraq either.
Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough
that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom
Fries and Freedom Toast.
Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do
what we want them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends.
Our enemies, we invade.
Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?
A: Well, yeah. For a while.
Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting
against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.
Q: Why did that make him our friend?
A: Because at that time, Iran was our
enemy.
Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting
against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we
were his friend.
Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically
becomes our friend?
A: Most of the time, yes.
Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is
automatically an enemy?
A: Sometimes that's true, too. However,
if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both
sides at the same time, all the better.
Q: Why?
A: Because war is good for the economy,
which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on
America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless unAmerican
Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?
Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to,
right?
A: Yes.
Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
A: Well, you see, God personally speaks
to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.
Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq
because George
W. Bush hears voices in his head?
A. Yes! You finally understand how the
world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go
to sleep. Goodnight.
A: Good night, Daddy.