Sex Jokes - Page 5
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Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie,
out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a
beaufiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans overe to Pierre
and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre
the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red
wine!
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a
little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and
starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you
doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Peirre the fighter pilot!
When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers. "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours
it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie
throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE
HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter
pilot! When I do down, I go down in flames!"
Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to
the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?"
The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time the misses and I
have sex, she loses interest halfway through. It's very
frustrating. "
The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the
same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the
bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the
starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited,
and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!"
The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that."
The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says,
how did you get on with the starter pistol?"
The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last
night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half
way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you
said."
The first guy says, " So??? What happened?"
The other guy says, "So.... she bit my cock, shit on my face, and a
naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! "
A boy walks in to a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him. The
woman behind the counter says, "How old are you son?"
The boy replies, "I'm nine years old, and I want to fuck a
prostitute."
The woman is a bit shocked, but answers politely, "I'm sorry son,
but you're too young."
To this the boy slaps $200 on to the table.
"She'll be waiting in the first room on the right, up the
stairs."
"I want a girl with active herpes."
"I'm sorry son, but I just can't do that for you," the woman tells
the boy. The boy slaps another $200 on the table.
"She'll be waiting in the second room on the left, up the
stairs."
So the boy walks up the stairs, dragging the frog behind him. About
half an hour later, the boy comes back down the stairs, still
dragging the frog.
Now the woman has been thinking about the boy for the last half
hour, so she says to him, "I have a few questions before you go
kid. First, what's with the dead frog, second, where did you get
the money, and finally, why a girl with herpes?"
The boy replies, "Now I've got herpes. When I get home, I'll fuck
the baby sitter and she'll get it. My dad will screw her when he
drops her home and he'll get it. My dad will then shag my mom, and
she'll get it, and then my mom will fuck the milkman, and he's the
bastard who ran over my frog!!!"
A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip. Upon
arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application. The
border official look s over his shoulder, and sees the tourist
trying to write 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled
'SEX'.
The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by
this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."
"Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.
There's this woman who's got divorced and is getting a tad bored,
so she decides to put an ad in the paper to get a new man.
It goes something like this:
WANTED - MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH. MUST HAVE FOLLOWING
QUALITIES:
1. WILL NEVER RUN AWAY
2. WON'T BEAT ME UP
3. MUST BE GOOD AT SEX
After 6 months of letters and calls which are crap and useless, she
gets a ring on her doorbell. There's this bloke lying on her
doormat with no arms and legs.
"What do you want?" she asks.
"Well" he says "I'm answering your ad. I've got no legs, so I can't
run away and I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up."
"What about the sex?" she says.
"How do you think I rang the doorbell!"
This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the
casinos. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free
things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to
keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won.
After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino
decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy
goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a
three room suite. The room is on a corner of the hotel and two
walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city.
There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen TV. The guy
drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the
windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone
to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and
tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls
in the city.
Thirty minutes later there's a knock on the door. The guy opens it
and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond
hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room.
The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to
the hooker, and drinks one himself.
"Now, down to business," he says. "How much for a hand job?"
The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00"
"What? That's outrageous."
"Come over here," she says walking towards one of the windows. "See
that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the
last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the
money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn
good."
"All right, screw it, money is no object."
A half hour after she's done the guy is sitting on the couch
reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more
drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself.
"That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow
job?"
"Honey, a blow job is $5000.00"
"What? That's outrageous."
"Come over here," she says walking towards another one of the
windows. "See that hotel and casino over there on the corner,"
pointing out the window? "I own that. I was able to buy it with the
money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn
good."
"All right, what the hell, it's only money." The guy gives her
$5000.00
An hour after she's done, the guy is laying on the couch, head
rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming
out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand,
staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks, gives one to the
hooker, and drinks one himself.
"My god, that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta
know, how much for some pussy?"
The hooker looks at him and says, "Honey, if I had a pussy I would
own this whole city............"
Three little old ladies, sitting on a park bench. The town flasher
comes by and shows them his ALL!
The first little old lady had a huge stroke. The second little old
lady had a little stroke.
The third little old lady would have had a
stroke................
but her arms weren't quite long enough.