Jokes your mother never told you - Adults Only!

last SG · 2002-08-14T20:54:39+00:00

Annabelle was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university. "Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed....

bara_cuda SG

Once upon a time, there was a man, Chin Chee Hong, living in a kampung who was full of energy. Everyday he must have sex at least once. Being single & 25 years old, he had to look for prostitutes. So everyday, he would go to a brothel in his village at pay $100 for the service. He is very happy with his life style until he was retrenched by his company.
Now, life must go on, sex also must go on for Chee Hong. One fine day, Chee Hong was at the doorstep of the brothel where he saw the pimp. The pimp smiled & said:"Chee Hong, come leh, you regular customer, today give you 20% discount." But Chee Hong who is jobless, has only $13 in his pocket. The urge was intense and so he said:"Eh, Beng ah, today I left with $13 only, how? Can help me? I BEY TA HAN!" The pimp thought for a while & said:"OK, Chee Hong give me $10. Go straight to that room on the right.She is waiting for u. You can ramp until you satisfied." So Chee Hong went in and opens the door. To his astonishment, he saw a big turtle lying on the floor. Unable to endure his urge, Chee Hong got no choice but to make love to the poor turtle. He finished & went home.
The next day, Chee Hong came to the brothel again & looked for the pimp Ah Beng again. "Beng ah, today I am left with $3. The urge is here again. I beg you to help me." The pimp thought for a while & said:" OK, friend friend so long, gimme the $3. Go to the last room on the left." Chee Hong went in & opened the door. To his astonishment, he saw abt 6 to 7 men peeping thru the wall & masturbating. He went closer to the wall & peeped thru a small hole.
To his amazement, he saw a naked man making love to a female dog in the next room. Chee Hong laughed very loudly while enjoying the scene. "Ah...ha ha ha aha ha, wow, shiok man, pay $3 can see this type of solid show, so funny."
He was very amused. The man standing next to him said: "Yesterday, more solid, we all pay only 50 cents to see one stupid fellow having sex with a big turtle. That one, lagi shiok!!!"

bara_cuda SG

A China pumpkin girl was visiting New York, went into a
worldwide message centre wanting to send an urgent, important
message to her mother in China.
The Italian guy at the counter told her it would cost around
US$100/=. She exclaimed, " I don't have that kind of money, but I will do anything to get a message to my mother in China !
"The Italian smiled, arched an eyebrow and asked, " Anything?"
"Yes, I promise...anything!" she said.
With that, the Italian said, "Follow me."
He led her to the next room and said, "Come in and close
the door." "Get down on your knees!" he ordered. She did.
"Unzip me!" he said.
She did. Then he said,
"Go on...take it out."
She did and grabbed it with both hands excitedly.
The Italian closed his eyes and whispered,
"Go ahead girl, what are you waiting for ?" Ms China
a pumpkin girl slowly brought her lips closer and said loudly,
"Hello....hello Ah Mah!!!..can you hear me?"

bara_cuda SG

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and a young sister, Jane Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun instructed. Sister Jane was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked sister Jane how the bath went. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when father john was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the key to Heaven."
"Did he now," said the old nun evenly. Sister Jane continued, "And Father John said that if the key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace.
And then Father John guided his key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact?" said the nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of GOD would soon swell my heart with ecstasy.
It did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

bara_cuda SG

A man and his wife go on a honeymoon vacation for their 25th
anniversary. At the hotel, as the couple reflected on that magical
evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw
my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out,
and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife seductively undressed, she asked, "What are you
thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

bara_cuda SG

A Japanese exchange student sat in a science classroom, totally stumped at a question on the final exam.
The question asked: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, thinking he could not use personal experience. Suddenly, he smiled, remembering some things he has overheard his mother say. He wrote:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
He still needed a fourth answer. He tried to put himself in the place of a child, but that didn't work. Suddenly, he smiled again. He wrote as the final answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He sat back, considering how proud his friends would be for their genius friend who lived overseas.

bara_cuda SG

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "****ing Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

bara_cuda SG

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"
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A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancée has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before." The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?" "Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."
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A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. "Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked. "That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three." "What? How did that happen?" "I don't remember. I was drunk."
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"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. "No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked. "Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
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A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy. "Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course," he explained. "This girl really knows how to go from there." The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the coed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little pussy." "I would, too," the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"
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One day an old farmer fell asleep in the top level in a 2 level hay shed. When he woke up, he found his son having sex with his girlfriend on the bottom level of the hayshed. He decided he wouldn't disturb them, so he laid down and rested. After a while he heard his son say, "Father, father up above. Give me strength for one last shove." So the father, being smart, replied, "Son, son down below. Get off and give your father a go."
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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There is three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds really, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".
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One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" The driver replies, "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

Shadow_R SG

A man gets sent to prison. As soon as he walks in his cell, his huge, scary-looking cellmate says to him, "We're gonna play house. Do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?"

After thinking about it for a minute, the man slowly answers, "Well, if I have to choose, I guess I'll be the daddy."

"OK," his cellmate says, "then get over here and suck mommy's dick."

Shadow_R SG

A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get
to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, all to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to
the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?"

"What? Get the hell out of my cab!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "OK," and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Shadow_R SG

The professor announced to his class, "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple: each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was turned in by two English students, Rebecca and Gary.

First paragraph by Rebecca:
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

Second paragraph by Gary:
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation17," he said into his transgalactic communicator, "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

Rebecca:
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully...

Gary:
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenceless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

Rebecca:
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

Gary:
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F#$%@# TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

Rebecca:
Asshole.

Gary:
Bitch.

Rebecca:
DICK!

Gary:
Slut.

Rebecca:
Get F%$%#$d.

Gary:
You wish; eat shit.

Rebecca:
F&*% YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

Gary:
Go drink some tea - whore.

TEACHER:
A+ - I really liked this one.

Shadow_R SG

How to Piss Off A Woman:

Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do... Then go bowling.

Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want to know, say "So I don't make the same mistakes."

Tell her YOU have a headache, but you're willing to suffer with it through sex just to please her.

Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out.

Fake your own orgasm while dining out.

Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at the nearest whorehouse.

Bang her sister.

After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then faint.

Shadow_R SG

A guy works at a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her."

The boss says, "You screw your sister?"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

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