Did you hear about the
England soccer star who had a date with a referee's daughter?
She penalised him 3 times - for handling, interference and trying
to pull off a jersey.
While a man went off to a soccer
match one Saturday afternoon, his wife invited her lover over to
their home. The lover turned up soon after in shorts and
singlet.
The wife and her lover were happily talking on the sofa when they
suddenly heard the husband coming through the front door.
Quick as a flash, the lover hid behind the TV set in the
corner.
The husband came in and said, "it started to pour so i decided to
come home and watch the second half on telly."
He switched on the TV and settled down to watch the game. After 20
minutes, the lover started to get severe cramps, so casting caution
to the winds, he calmly got up from behind the set and walked out
of the room.
The husband turned to his wife and said, "that's funny - i didn't
see the ref send him off!"
You know football is taking over your
life when:-
i) you video subbuteo games for post game analysis
ii) you refer to the sofa as a dugout
iii) you can remember the names of all the players who played in
winning world cup teams but you can't recall your best friends'
names.
After a visit to the doctor's, Joe,
the city team's centre forward dropped in at the local pub for a
quick one. "What's up mate?" asked his teammate Brian. "You look
worried."
Joe replied, "I've just been to the doctor's and he told me i can't
play football."
"Oh, really?" said Brian. "He's seen you play too then, has
he?"
It was mid-way through the football
season and a third division team were doing really badly. The
manager decided to get the team together and go back to absolute
basics. Picking up a football, he said,
"Right, lads, what I have in my hands is called a football, and the
object of the game is..."
"Hang on a minute," came a shout, "you're going too
fast."
The manager of a club way down at
the bottom of the Third Division placed eleven dustbins in
formation on the pitch and had his team practice dribbling around
them and passing between them before shooting for goal.
After just one session he had to abandon this method of training
for reasons of team morale: the dustbins won 6-0.
I'm not saying the manager is naive
but...
Blindfolding the goalkeeper to calm his nerves during penalty shoot
outs just isn't working
The 6-5-1 formation he put out last saturday was spotted by the
referee straight away
Putting the ball boy on as a substitute is just asking for
trouble
Footballing definitions
Football: A game consisting of 22 skilled players, one impartial
referee, two eagle eyed referee's assistants and one stupid
ball.
Teammate: Another person that you have to dribble around
Fans: Two sets of absusive referees
Offside: The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent"
players are drawn towards.
Scoring: When 11 men spontaneously start dancing and kissing,
regardless of any injuries, whilst 11 others droop like
wallflowers
Striker: Faultless, overpaid, box hogging layabout who only misses
the goal when he is fed a bad ball
Defender: Player who's function is to commit fouls just outside of
the penalty area
Ball: Round object used by referees to entice players into
comitting fouls
"Dad, dad!" cried Philip, as he arrived home one evening. "I think
I've been selected for the school football team."
"That's good," said his father. "But why do you only think you've
been selected? Aren't you sure? What position are you
playing?"
"Well," replied Philip, "it's not been announced officially, but I
overheard the football coach tell my teacher that if I was in the
team I'd be a great draw-back."
Over breakfast one morning, a little
boy kept staring intently at his grandfather. '1s anything the
matter, son?' the old man asked.
'No, Gramps. I was just wondering what position you play in the
football team.'
'What are. you talking about?' laughed Gramps. 'I'm far too old to
play football.'
'Oh,' said the little. boy. 'It's just that Dad' said that when you
kicked off, we'd be able to afford a new car.'