A man claimed he could name any animal that was dead and what
gun killed it with his eyes closed. His friends dewcided to test
him. They blindfolded him and laid down a bear in front of him, and
the man felt it and said ''This is easy -- it's a bear that was
killed with a pistol.'' His friends were astonished. Next, they
placed a wolf in front of him, and the man felt it and said ''This
is very easy -- it's a wolf killed by a rifle.'' This went on for
hours and hours without the man guessing wrong once. Soon his
friends became tired and they quit.
The next morning the man woke up to see that he was all black and
blue from being beaten. ''Gee, I don't remember getting into a
fight last night,'' the man said. He turned to his wife and asked
why he was all black and blue. The wife replied ''I beat you last
night, you bastard.'' ''Why did you do that?'' the man replied.
''Because last night you reached down my pants and felt my crotch
and said 'dead skunk killed by a harmful odor!'''
*************************************************************************************
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor
had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a
little worried about some of the side effects she was
experiencing.
''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped,
but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing
hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly
normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair
appeared?''
''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you
about...,'' replied the lady.
*************************************************************************************
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: ''Stop!
Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on
your head and kill you.''
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man
was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross
the road. Once again the voice shouted: ''Stop! Stand still! If you
take one more step a car will run over you and you will
die.''
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening
around the corner, barely missing him. ''Where are you?'' the man
asked. ''Who are you?''
''I am your guardian angel,'' the voice answered.
''Oh yeah?'' the man asked... ''And where the hell were you when I
got married?''
*************************************************************************************
This guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the
backseat of his car. A knock was heard on the window and there
stood a cop. The guy got out, shaking like a leaf. The cop said
that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.
The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When
he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf. The cop said
there was no reason to be scared, because he wouldn't arrest him if
he could be next. The guy said 'I'm not afraid that you'll arrest
me, it's just that I've never done it with a cop before!"
*************************************************************************************
There are three men in a hotel each wanting a room.
The porter of the hotel says, All the rooms are booked except for
one room with a kingsize bed.
The three men are too tired to go to another hotel so they decide
to take the room.
The next morning, the three men wake up and the man on the left
side of the bed said, Wow, I had vivid dream of getting a
wonderous hand job.
The man on the right said, Yeah, me too.
The man in the middle said, You two are disgusting, I had an
ordinary dream that I went Skiing.
*************************************************************************************
Every time Peters mother invited her lover to their home, she put
Peter in the closet. One day her husband came home early, so her
lover quickly hid in the closet with the boy.
"Hey, mister," Peter said, "its kinda dark in here, isnt
it?"
"Why, yes, as a matter of fact it is."
"Hey, you wouldnt want to buy my old baseball, would you? My dad
just bought me a new one."
"No, you dont really need baseballs in my line of work."
"If you dont buy my baseball," Peter said, "Ill tell my dad where
you are."
"All right, all right," the lover groaned, "Ill buy your damn
baseball. How much is it?"
"Fifty dollars."
The man didnt want to pay fifty dollars for a baseball, but he
decided he had no other choice. The boy figured he was on a roll,
so he asked, "Hey, mister, you want to buy my glove?"
The lover didnt even bother arguing: "How much?"
"A hundred dollars!" The man had just finished paying up when the
woman opened the door and said the coast was clear.
The next Sunday, the boy went to confession because he felt guilty
for having conned his mothers lover out of a hundred and fifty
bucks. "Hey, mister," he said, climbing into the confessional,
"its kinda dark in here, isnt it?"
The voice groaned, "Not you again!"
