A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a
five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like
this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my
wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to
look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the
cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my
wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's
butt. That's when I made my mistake. "What did you do?" asks the
doctor. I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks
like yours!"
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police officer pulled a guy over for speeding.
Officer: May I see your drivers license?
Driver: I dont have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th
DUI.
Officer: May I see the owners card for this vehicle?
Driver: Its not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: Thats right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the
owners card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in
there.
Officer: Theres a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. Thats where I put it after I shot and killed the
woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: Theres a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car
was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the
driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Whos car is this?
Driver: Its mine, officer. Heres the owner card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if
theres a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but theres no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said
theres a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I dont understand it. The officer who stopped you said
you told him you didnt have a license, stole the car, had a gun in
the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, Ill bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was
speeding, too.
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After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an
enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.
Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the
middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products
the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper
items.
"Well, what do you think" his wife asked smiling.
"Next time," he replied. "I'm writing to General Motors!"
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A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative
defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a
few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see
how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by
his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or
not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid
it on the bench, and walked out.
