How To Avoid Being an Asshole
Face your past.
The past is a very good predictor of future behavior. For example,
were you a bully in school? If your parents and siblings were
assholes, you may have caught the disease. Knowing that youre an
asshole is first step towards change.
Do not make people feel oppressed, humiliated,
de-energized, or belittled.
If you find yourself having these effects, its time to change your
behavior no matter what you think of yourself.
Do not mistreat people who are less powerful than
you.
One of the sure signs of an asshole is treating people like clerks,
flight attendants, and waiters in a degrading manner.
[b]Resist assholeholics from the start.
The easiest time to avoid becoming an asshole is at the very
beginning. Dont think that you can do what you have to to fit in
and can change later. It wont happen.
Walk away and stay away.
Dont be afraid to leave a bad situation. Its unlikely youll
change the assholes into good people; its much more likely that
youll descend to their level.
View acting like an asshole as a communicable
disease.
If you have any sense of decency, when youre sick, you avoid
contact to prevent spreading the disease. So if you act like an
asshole, youre not just impacting yourself; youre also teaching
other people that its okay to be an asshole.
Focus on win-win.
Children (young and old) think that the world is a zero-sum game.
If another kid is playing with the fire truck, you cant. As people
get older they should realize that life doesnt have to be a
win-lose proposition--unless, that is, youre an asshole.
Focus on ways you are no better or even worse than
others.
Thinking that youre smarter, faster, better looking, funnier,
whatever than others turns people into assholes. Thinking that
youre no better or even worse keeps you humble.
Focus on ways you are similar to people, not
different.
If you concentrate on how you and others have similar goals,
desires, and passions, youre bound to be less of an asshole. How
can you treat people that are similar to you with disdain?
Tell yourself, I have enough stuff (money, toys, friends,
cars, whatever).
Discontentment and envy is a major factor in becoming an asshole.
If youre happy, theres no reason to stomp on others.
How to Deal With Assholes
Hope for the best, but expect the worst.
One of the most frustrating aspects of dealing with assholes is
that they disappoint you--making you wonder the very value of
humans. Lowering your expectations can help reduce disappointment.
Dont solely lower your expectations, though, or you will slip into
cynicism (and possibly turn into an asshole too.) Continue to hope
for the best.
Develop indifference and emotional
detachment.
Sutton may be the only author who has the insight and courage to
recommend that being indifferent and detached may be a good thing
in work environments. If it permits you to survive, then it is. In
other words, dont let the jerks get to you.
Look for small wins.
Small victories can keep you going. Most assholes pride themselves
in total control and absolute domination. Any victory, no matter
how small, can keep you going. Rest assured that small victories
can lead to winning the war.
Limit your exposure.
You can do what you can to avoid meetings and interactions with
assholes. This involves finding or building pockets of safety,
support, and sanity, to use Suttons words. He cites an example of
a nurses lounge as a refuge from an asshole doctor.
Expose them.
In Suttons blog he mentions Marges Asshole Management Metric.
This refers to four-point system from 0 to 3. Marge, the boss,
would point to people who were behaving like assholes and hold up
one, two, or three fingers according to this code:
*
1 = You are a normal person who can occasionally assert yourself on
an issue you are passionate about, but you handle yourself in a
non-confrontational way in nearly all occasions.
*
2 = You can consistently assert yourself in a non-confrontational
way and are occasionally an asshole, but you feel horrible about it
afterwards, and you may or may not apologize (but you probably will
have to confess your remorse to someone).
*
3 = You can consistently be an asshole and you either do not
recognize this or you simply enjoy it.
By the way, 0 in her system means this:
You are a very nice person, and very passive. No one can say a word
against you and would never think to call you an asshole.
If you are safe in your position, then calling assholes out is a
good way to deal with them.
De-escalate and re-educate.
This strategy requires that the asshole youre dealing with isnt a
chronic, certified, and flagrant asshole. It means meeting
asshole behavior with calmness (instead of either similar behavior
or fear) and trying to re-educate the person about how hes
behaving.
Stand up to them.
Funny thing about assholes: Standing up to them shouldnt
necessarily scare you. While I was an Apple employee, I was in a
meeting with a highly placed Apple exec and Apples ad agency. The
ad agency person showed the new television spots and said hed give
a copy to the Apple exec and me. The Apple exec told the agency
person not to give one to me. I spoke up: Are you saying you dont
trust me? The Apple exec answered: Yes. To which I replied,
Thats okay because I dont trust you either. You know what? The
sun rose the next day, and my family still loved me.
