26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him.
It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your
clit, do something to make his job easier.
27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when he's
touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his
hand and show him how you like it.
28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then
deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when
he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking
surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what
else did you think was going to happen?
29. Refusing to let him take control. So you're a feminist. Big
fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less
of one.
30. Refusing to take control. It's ok to crawl across a bed to him
on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his
responsibility to start things all the time.
31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too.
Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other
parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places
by concentrating solely on his penis.
32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick
them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't
ignore them.
33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl
who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't
want to deal with the mess.
34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex
when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them
together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.
35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to
be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister.
So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder.
Look at it later and giggle at the memory.
36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not
making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange
faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.
37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's
hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off
of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a
midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really
matters.
38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3-some. It's the
American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick
interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not
so much. Know the difference).
39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton
mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.
40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners
back. It's another when you snag the goods with a claw.
41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will
happen. That's the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and
can't jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the
pores.
42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something
so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.
43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he
thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not
working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of
unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his
ego.
44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is
more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and
things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a
little ridiculous of you.
45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he
has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo
says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.
46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things
because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were
made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that
pattern. They'll wash.
47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping
with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do
that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty
scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to
be.
48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But
changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in
the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might
have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.
49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is
not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably
mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like
"it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it
gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him.
He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and
rolling over are not ok.
50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was
it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means".
Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a
nap, perhaps not in that order.
