In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has
rested.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at
least he'll shut up after you let him in!
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed
mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity
and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to
die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain
is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so
deeply? A child? A parent?" The
mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's
first husband."
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Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman
listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
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A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a
wish and threw in a penny.The wife decided to make a wish,too. But
she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The
husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really
works!"
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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report
it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
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First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the
husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't
be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money,
I wouldn't be here."
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Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After
marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still
paying for it."
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Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after
marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.
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There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much
that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and now he
is going thru hell.
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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : " Wife wanted".
Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing : "You can have mine."
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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.......
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A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If
you don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will
kidnap your wife."
The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but
I hope you will keep yours."
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"What's the matter, you look depressed."
"I'm having trouble with my wife."
"What happened?"
"She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days."
"But that ought to make you happy."
"It did, but today is the last day."