Note: To be read with an torelant mind
By Xxoozero, www.shoutwire.com
9 Reasons To Hate Xmas
Those stupid car commercials
Who buys their wife a f*cking Lexus for Xmas? Only a guy who got
caught shagging his secretary last weekend would pull something
like that. No p*ssy is that good.
Relationships
Anyone who is over 25 and single will understand this; Xmas is the
time of year your friends and family who are around your age and
already married will always ask you when you are going to meet
that special someone. F*ck that, they are just trying to drag you
into their misery. When they arent looking, piss all over their
curtains.
Everything has to look like Xmas
Why is Santa outside the grocery store begging for change? No doubt
Google will be festive as always this holiday season. Everywhere
you go you will be reminded its Xmas. No one can escape the wicked
reach of the evil hybrid Santa Clause /baby Jesus /consumerism Xmas
spirit. Dont let folks catch you without the festive spirit
either, nothing is worse than being chased down by a mob of red and
green clad over-sized elves all hyped up on the spirit of Saint
Nick and a strong eggnog /rum mix.
We have heard all the Xmas music already
Why is it around this time of year the latest pop crazed band or
singer has to release an album full of Xmas songs? You would think
people would be sick of them by now, they are the same sh*t every
year. Everyone has heard them all before. The worst part is they
run through your head for hours upon hours after you were
unfortunate enough to catch one playing somewhere, making you want
to rip your eardrums out with a spork from Taco Bell.
Santa Claus is a dirty lie
It is a fairy tail told to little kids to explain why they didnt
get everything they wanted, because most little kids are really
rotten inside. The parents can just say Oh, I guess you werent a
good enough person to get that this year, all the while covering
for the fact that they were either too cheap or too slow to get
them the latest fare from the world of trendy marketing.
Screw the baby Jesus
This is the worst time of the year to be an atheist. There is no
escaping the religious overtones of this evil holiday. The
propaganda is everywhere. It is biased in its very name. It was
originally a pagan holiday, but nobody cares about that anymore.
Some more religious folk will beat you senseless for even the very
mention of that fact.
Xmas movies suck
The same plot, over and over again. Oh look, its Xmas, everyone is
happy. Oh no, look, something is going to ruin Xmas. Wait, no, Xmas
is saved! Sprinkle in a couple of out-of-work semi-recognizable
actors and you got the plot for every Xmas movie or seasonable
television show ever made.
Shopping is hell
Tis the season where otherwise peaceful soccer moms will kill you
with their SUVs over a parking spot ten feet closer to the
entrance of the mall. Every place you go is packed with long lines
and few cashiers. The roads are full of crazed shoppers trying to
get through the stoplight five seconds quicker than everyone else.
You are better off just starving in your basement until the new
year.
One day, Sony will buy it all anyways
Yes, mark my words. The year will arrive when the PS15 cant be
produced in time for December 25th and Sony will immediately buy
the rights to Xmas and move it to January 5th. To be fair, I think
the Super Bowl will go before Xmas, but in the end, its all going
to be for sale someday.
