A pirate does not snuggle with an animal, unless he is trying to
snap its neck. But I guess that wouldn't really be
"snuggling".
A pirate may never wear another man's clothing, unless he first
kills that man.
Two pirates must never share a bed or a hammock. It is perfectly
acceptable for one pirate to sleep on the floor, or on a pile of
treasure.
Pirates do not wear eyeglasses or bifocals unless they are looking
at a treasure map, and even then they are allowed only a monacle.
Any comments about "Mr. Peanut" while wearing the monacle are
prohibited.
When setting out on a voyage, a pirate does not pack a suitcase. He
is only to bring what he can carry under his arms, or what his
wench can carry on her back.
A pirate does not mow the lawn. Lawns are for landlubbers.
Lifting or removing one's eyepatch is extremely impolite but is not
considered an insult. It's just kinda gross. Likewise, one should
never remove another pirate's eyepatch, except with a sword to the
face.
Pirates never use the words "fresh" or "feelings," and certainly
not together (as in "I have that not-so-fresh feeling").
A pirate must never visit a tanning salon. If he is not already tan
enough from searching for treasure, he hasn't been searching hard
enough.
While creativity is encouraged during any barfight or battle at
sea, pirates may only use the following types of sword; falchions,
scimitars, rapiers, and particularly long knives. Katanas or any
other Ninja sword are strictly forbidden, unless the Pirate rips
off a Ninja's arm and hurls the arm, and attached Katana, as a
projectile.
No pirate shall ever sit on a toilet seat, for any reason.
Kidnapping is an acceptable substitute for killing, but only if it
is for the purpose of plank walking at a later time.
When swimming, pirates do not dive. They cannonball.
Cannoneers aboard a pirate vessel are not allowed to use hearing
protection of any sort. No matter what the OSHA regulations say, if
ye can't stand bleedin' from the ears, you have no business being a
Pirate.
A pirate will never wear a patch that is any other color than
black; unless it's halloween. then they can wear a patch with an
eyeball painted on the outside. Polka dots are not permitted under
any circumstances.
Female pirates are allowed some exception to rules concerning
hygiene and garmentry, but must make up for it by using twice as
much profanity.
Hooks are the only acceptable hand substitute. However, they may
not have secondary attachments such as screwdrivers, bottle
openers, corkscrews, or nail files. These are Pirates we're talking
about, not Inspector Gadget.
A pirate's diet consists mainly of meat. If at sea, and meat is not
available, shoe leather is an acceptable replacement.
Pirate Law: You can't spell pirate, without "irate". There's a
reason for that, so don't even try.
No pirate will ever, ever raise his pinky when drinking any sort of
beverage.
Pirate Law: When choosing clothing, even if it looks dirty, or
smells dirty, it is clean.
A pirate may ride in a rowboat, if traveling to or from his ship.
Use of a Kayak is only permitted if used for cannon target
practice.
When drinking rum, the only thing a pirate adds to the rum is more
rum.
The official Pirate religion is Pastafarianism.
No pirate shall ever play wiffle ball.
Under no circumstances does a pirate speak with a Ninja, unless he
first decapitates that Ninja and uses his head like a sock
puppet.
When at the office, answering the telephone with "Arrrrrrr" is
perfectly acceptable for pirates. Other acceptable choices are
"Avast!", and "Ahoy Matey!"
A Pirate does not read poetry, unless said poetry is scrawled on
the wall of a bathroom.
All women are to be referred to as wenches, with the exception of
female Pirates, who can be referred to as "lass".
Pirates do not clean up, except when gold falls out of a treasure
chest.
Spilling rum is not acceptable, except in the act of "pouring some
out for dead mateys".
A pirate may tell any tale of swashbuckling without being called on
the details, as long as at least 51% of the story is true.
A pirate may never shave below the neck. Shaving above the neck is
allowed, but only if the pirate shaves his entire head. In the
presence of cannibals, a mohawk is acceptable.
No pirate may do the arm movements for "YMCA", or engage in
country-western line-dancing.
Pirates do not say "please" or "thank you". The phrase "Arrr, I'll
probably kill you tomorrow" is an acceptable alternative for "Thank
you".
Should the ship's bow have a carving of a naked wench, mermaid, or
something of the like, crew members should not touch it. Feeling up
a wooden statue is unbecoming of a pirate.
Pirates do not "IM". The only instant message allowed is a sword
through the chest.
Dental Hygiene for Pirates is not a priority. Should there be
occasion, however, strong rum or salt water can be used as
mouthwash. Anything "minty fresh" is strictly forbidden.
Pirates never, ever obey laws. Period. Ironic, I realize.
