SHE has an unusual relationship with her five-month-old son.
Unlike the typical mum, she doesn't dote on him.
Indeed, she sometimes harbours thoughts of strangling him
And it stems from her unusual relationship with her husband of six
years.
Madam Lim, 31, says she loves her husband but hates having sex with
him. He ended up forcing herself on her.
The baby was the result of one of those forced trysts, hence her
ambivalent feelings towards him.
She feels hatred and shame over the marital rape - and the baby is
a constant reminder of that. She finds it painful to cuddle him and
hardly does that.
During our interview, the chilly distance she set up between them
is apparent. She seldom looked at him and did not once pick him
up.
Madam Lim (whose real name is withheld) said she was raped despite
obtaining a personal protection order from a court to stop her
husband's repeated sexual assaults.
While marital rape is not deemed a crime at present, lawyers say
that Madam Lim may well have a case against her husband if such
attacks continue after the proposed changes to Singapore's criminal
laws come into force. (See report on pPage 4.)
She spoke to The New Paper on Sunday at the home of her mother, who
is taking care of the baby on weekdays.
When the boy started crying, Madam Lim stopped this reporter from
going near him.
'My mother can take care of him,' she said, before calling out to
the elderly woman.
Though the baby is not with her on weekdays, she is still living
with her husband.
'I know this sounds crazy, but I still love my husband,' she said.
Initially, she was reluctant to talk about her ordeal. She later
agreed to be interviewed because she wanted to encourage other
wives like her to seek help.
'The first two months after I gave birth were terrible,' said the
petite woman, who works as a clerk. 'I could not even bear to bring
myself to breastfeed the baby. I didn't want to have anything to do
with him.'
Fortunately, she sought counselling help.
Ms Adeline Goh from Counselling and Care Centre said: 'She took
some time to share what was really bothering her. At first, we
thought she was merely suffering from post-natal blues.'
It was only at the fourth session, a month later, that 'the whole
picture came to light'.
It turned out that Madam Lim had allegedly been forced into having
sex repeatedly by her husband, who is 10 years older than her,
during their six-year marriage.
Madam Lim said: 'At first, I just went with it even though I didn't
enjoy sex. If I had a choice, I'd avoid it completely. It was very
difficult for me. I'd feel so tense before it and depressed
after.'
She found sex painful and also thought it would worsen her
asthmatic condition, which she had suffered since she was a
kid.
Her aversion to sex soon took a toll on their relationship.
In a separate interview, her husband, 41, who runs a provision
store, said: 'It didn't make sense to me. How can she claim to love
me yet find having sex with me a total torture?'
Dressed in a polo T-shirt and jeans, the soft-spoken man with a
clean-cut look looked younger than his age.
He added: 'I'm faithful to my wife... I don't visit prostitutes or
fool around with other women. Whatever she wants, I'd give to her.'
(Full interview on Page 4.)
Other than the alleged rapes, Madam Lim agreed her husband had
treated her well.
The couple dated for two years before getting hitched. Married life
in the first year was fine.
She said: 'When we were dating, he never indicated that sex was
critical. The furthest we indulged in was kissing and
petting.
'I have a conservative family background. My mother had always
warned me not to engage in pre-marital sex.'
It didn't take long before things starting turning awry in the
marriage. He wanted to have sex every week but most times she would
turn him away.
'Every attempt at sex was a tense affair that would turn into
horrible fights.
'It started with him getting mad when I refused to have sex. He'd
storm out of the house and not return till the early morning. Then
he'd not talk to me for two or three days.'
Though she admitted being worried about driving him into the arms
of another woman, she still could not bring herself to have sex
with him.
The cold war gradually turned abusive.
Madam Lim said: 'He began to hurl insults, calling me all kinds of
names. He would ask if I was 'cold' down there, or if I knew I was
frigid.
'He even accused me of being a lesbian because of my close
relationship with a female ex-colleague.'
Hurt by his taunting, she withdrew even more from him.
DRUNKEN STUPOR
About two years ago, she said her husband returned home in a
drunken stupor one night.
'I tried to help him into the shower but he pushed me out,' she
said.
However, he called her into their room about half an hour later and
tried to be intimate with her. When she started to squirm and
resist, he apparently became rough.
He ripped off her nightdress and also shouted abuse at her.
'My heart turned cold when he humiliated me, not only with his
words, but with his hands. Then he forced himself on me,' she said,
covering her face with her hands.
'I felt so dirty after that, but there was no one I could talk to.
I didn't know what to do.'
She was asleep when it happened a second time three weeks later.
The physical and mental abuse hurt terribly and she decided to
return to her mother's home the next morning.
To her shock, she was told that it was her fault.
'My mother told me I had failed in my duty as a wife.'
Her mother-in-law visited later that evening, and both women
advised her not to be so 'ren xing' (wilful in Mandarin).
'My mother-in-law even suggested I was having an affair! I could
not believe my ears,' she said.
WON'T RETURN HOME
At first, she refused to go home for about two weeks. But she
relented after her younger sister advised her to give the marriage
another chance.
'It was that or file for a divorce,' she said, adding that she
still has a soft spot for her husband despite what he did.
In February last year, she ran into her cousin. 'I broke down and
confided in her. She advised me to take a PPO against him,' she
said.
When her husband found out about the court order, he felt betrayed.
But he did stop hurting her for a while.
'So I continued sharing the same bed. But in the end, he went back
to his ways despite saying he wouldn't,' said Madam Lim.
She said she was allegedly forced to have sex twice after she got
the court order.
Later, she found out she was pregnant.
'I was filled with both joy and hate. I was caught between wanting
to keep the baby and aborting it,' she said.
In the end, she chose to keep the baby. They
didn't have sex during
her pregnancy and 'slowly, he became less of a monster to me', she
said.
Just when it looked like life would improve, Madam Lim said she
started to develop a hatred for the baby.
'I couldn't help looking at him without thinking of the abuses. I
felt dirty. I felt the baby was dirty too. He was not conceived out
of love, but from disgusting filth.'
She added: 'It's not like I completely dislike sex, just that I
don't enjoy it. I think if there is protection for married women
against rape by their husbands, I'd probably not have to suffer so
much.'
She hopes they would be able to work things out amicably. 'The good
thing is, my husband has stopped trying to have sex with me.'
Sharing her ordeal with a counsellor has helped too, she
said.
'At least I don't feel like it's my fault for rejecting him. I
still can't bear for him to touch me. It will take some time before
I can overcome that disgust. I'm learning to forgive him.'
What will you do if u r her husband? 
