Military Nuts Jokes thread!!!

khyron1 SG

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

CenturionMBT SG

USAF Maintenance Logs

Some (supposedly) actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews...
(source unknown)

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1:"#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't t."
Signed off :"IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed..."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That s what they re there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Here is a verified one:
Complaint:
Flir (Forward Looking Infra-red) not operational.

Solution:
Found the On Full Force(OFF)switch in the On Full Force position.
Flir will not work in that mode

the request was submitted by a LtC.After reviewing his closure
information he came to the shop and asked where the On Full
Force(OFF)switch was located so he would not make the same mistake twice

CenturionMBT SG

Military Truisms
"Aim towards the Enemy"--instruction printed on US rocket launcher.
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is no longer our friend--from an FM.
Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
If your attack is going too well, you are walking into an ambush.
If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Tracers work both ways.
Friendly fire isn't.
Five second fuses only last three seconds.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
If you can see the enemy, he can see you.
And never tell your Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

Gordonator SG

The important things are always simple.

The simple things are always hard.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.

When you are in combat, you are short of everything except emenies.

Radio will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.

Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.

The emeny diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

When both sides are convined they are about to lose, theyare both right.

riken1974 SG

Got one time…we guys were angry with an officer who almost got us killed….while at a healthy lfestyle event organise at Marina….we guys sang the song “i don’t want to be a hero” while jogging past some senior commanders….imagine this officer’s face…when we sang that song aloud….

Raptor937 SG

11 Strange Facts of World War II

1. The first German serviceman killed in the war was killed by the Japanese (China, 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland 1940), the highest ranking American killed was Lt. Gen. Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. So much for allies.

2. The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. (His benefits were later restored by act of Congress)

3. At the time of Pearl Harbor the top US Navy command was called CINCUS (pronounced "sink us"), the shoulder patch of the US Army's 45th. Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train was named "Amerika". All three were soon changed for PR purposes.

4. More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions your chance of being killed was 71%.

5. Generally speaking there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance, Japanese ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.

6. It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every fifth round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. Tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.

7. When allied armies reached the Rhine the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself photographed in the act).

8. German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City but it wasn't worth the effort.

9. German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet.

10. Among the first "Germans" captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army.

11. Following a massive naval bombardment 35,000 US and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska. 21 troops were killed in the firefight. It would have been worse if there had been any Japanese on the island.

Gordonator SG

2 soldiers, Lee and Tan were promoted from Privates to Sergeants. One night they were out for a drink and Tan said, "Hey, Lee, there's the NCO club. Let's go in for a drink."

"But we are privates," protested Lee.

"We are sergeants now, said Tan pulling Lee inside. "Now Lee, I'm going to sit down and have me a drink."

"But we are prvates." said Lee.

"You blind?" said Tan pointing at his three newly earned strips. "We are sergeants now."

So they ordered their drinks and soon a hooker came up to Tan, "You're kind of cute," she said, "and I like to take you someplace and make you feel good, but you might like to know I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Tan pulled his friend to his side and whispered, "Lee, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign and i'll go."

Lee went look it up, came back and gave the okay sign. Of course 3 weeks later Tan ws laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

"Lee," he asked, "Why you gave me the okay sign for that?"

"Well Tan, in the dictionary, it said gonorrhea only affects the privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and siad, "But we're sergeants now!"

chihuahua SG

nice one Laughing

dkhoo SG

On the first day of BMT, Ah Beng was issued a toothbrush. That afternoon, the camp dentist pulled out several of his teeth after an inspection.

On the second day of BMT, Ah Beng was issued a comb. That afternoon, the barber shaved off all of his hair.

On the third day of BMT, Ah Beng was issued a pair of underwear.

They are still looking for Ah Beng.

dumbdumb! SG

AWOLed Mr. Green

snk86 SG

the last one is the worst man......

Obersturmfuhrer SG

The young second lieutenant approached the crusty old first sergeant and asked him about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.

"Well, LT, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a first lieutenant represents value, but less malleable. When you make captain, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars.

"As a colonel, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As a general, you're obviously a star. That answer your question, LT?"

"Yeah, but what about major and lieutenant colonel?"

"Now, son, that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves . . ."

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